Tuesday, November 4, 2008

An open letter to American citizens from candidates Barack Obama and John McCain

As you may know, today is election day and we've got election coverage (sort of)! Below is an open letter from the presidential candidates sent to us by stand-up comic Chip Chantry.

Dear Fellow Americans,

For decades, the two of us have spent our waking hours serving this great nation of ours. We have each met different forms of adversity. We have toiled, sacrificed, persevered, and ultimately risen to the challenges to become successful public servants. Whether it was John spending five years in a VietNamese prison camp, or Barack facing a lifetime in a society of prejudice, we have been steadfast, diligent, and never wavering in the daunting tasks that we faced. And we both did it happily. Because frankly, we loved our work. We loved our missions. And we loved this country.

But you know what? F*CK YOU, AMERICA! We quit.

This campaigning has gone on long enough. We're both exhausted. After the debate last week, we bumped into each other at the hotel bar. Admittedly, it was awkward at first. But then we got to talking. And drinking. And more drinking and talking.

After we closed the bar, we climbed aboard the Democratic campaign bus, smoked a little weed (thanks, Ed Begley Jr!) and got to thinking. We have both been serving this country of ours for years, and what thanks do we get? NONE! American citizens are the fattest, laziest, most spoiled beings on the face of the planet. This country is going to hell in a handbasket. And guess whose fault it is. YOURS, John Q. Public. You screwed this place up, and neither of us are fixin' it. Take this job and shove it, America.

As a country, we're fucked. And don't blame the Bush Administration either. Yes, admittedly, they suck. Like REALLY suck. But they're only a part of the problem. Let's face facts, people. Our society has become so lazy, incompetent, stupid, and greedy, that no matter who was in charge, we'd still be screwed. In hindsight, maybe Al Gore could have done a better job. But good luck getting him, shitheads! You voted against him, didn't support him when he got screwed over in 2000, and now, for the past eight years, he has been happily shoving it in your faces that the world is coming to an end. Good for you Al. Get the last laugh.

All you people do is bitch and moan. You are asking us for everything on a silver platter, and you dolts can't even properly read questions from cue cards at a "town hall" debate. Oh, and FYI, there has not been an uglier showing at a town hall meeting since the last Salem Witch Trial. Do you know how hard it is to concentrate on questions when there are so many man tits and mustaches surrounding you?

Let's break it down:

You want free health care. Well here's your free tip: Stop eating shit, and start exercising. Put down the cigarettes, and use that stimulus check to buy a fucking treadmill, you unkempt walrus-folk.

You want a strong economy. Don't blame the government for having difficulty bailing out you idiots. Did you really need that 5-bedroom house AND the three SUV's, AND the summer home in the Hamptons? Maybe if you pulled your inflated heads out of your asses, you could see the mountain of debt you're in. It's not the bank's fault if you are greedy bastards that have to constantly keep up with the Joneses. It's not the dealer's fault that you hit on a 19. Live within your means, and we would not be in this mess. And YES, John has 7 houses. But I think he's making up for THE FIVE YEARS HE SPENT IN A BOX FOR YOU ASSHOLES.

You want cheap gas and a clean environment. We're not going to even dignify that request until you stop driving around in your gigantic SUVs. And while we're on that topic: No ONE CARES if your ugly kids play soccer or field hockey. Take the goddamn stickers off the back of your Hummer. NOW.

So where do we go from here? Well, the two of us are on a plane to Mexico. We have cashed out the remainder of our campaign fund, and will be living it up on the beach, Shawshank style. We figured we would make nice with the Mexicans before they invade, and officially take over up north. (What are you pansies going to do about it?)

If we would have stayed, one of us would have been president. If John got elected, he would have had a stroke within the first month, and that babbling Fargo bitch would be in charge. Which actually would have been pretty funny. Her trying to govern you animals would have played out like the first half of the Goldie Hawn classic Wildcats. And if Barack got elected, some hillbilly extremists would run him out of office by Christmas. Biden would have been fine, but we did not want to lay it on him. He's actually passed out drunk in coach right now, between two strippers and Wolf Blitzer.

We have worked tirelessly to make this country a better place. But you can decorated a Walmart as fancy as you can. It's still full of fat, redneck idiots. We're done polishing this turd.

Suck it America. PEACE!


Barack Obama and John McCain

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