LITERARY ADVENTURE: Excerpts from The Antagonistic Field Guide to North American Birds

Comic Vs. Audience is proud to present, once again, a scintillating bi-weekly column, Literary Adventure, written by bookish gadabout Doogie Horner. Everything written in Literary Adventure has been vigorously fact-checked by a team of ten graduate students, so don't second guess any of the outrageous claims made within.

EXCERPTS FROM
THE ANTAGONISTIC FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN BIRDS

INTRODUCTION

Bird Watching is a wonderful hobby that can provide hours of enjoyment. It’s also a great way to get outside and explore nature. What better way to wile away the interminable days than by strolling through the sun-dappled woods, not knowing what exotic bird may be around the next bend, just waiting to be sighted! It’s not like you have anything better to do, and you don’t have to worry about birds telling you how fat those pleated pants make you look.

The avid watcher will discover, by gazing at these graceful creatures, a natural beauty unsurpassed in any of humanity’s grandest achievements. The Mona Lisa, the Great Pyramid of Cheops, and even your mother, all pale in comparison to the colorful plumage of the Blackburnian Warbler. Your mother especially pales in comparison, primarily because the Warbler doesn’t reek of cat piss.

MIGRATION PATTERNS

Depending on where you are in North American, you will view different birds during different seasons. For instance, only an idiot would expect to see Red Breasted Sapsuckers in Southern California during the winter—only a big dumb idiot. I’m talking to you.

I bet you think birds are pretty dumb, don’t you? You’re way smarter than a bird, huh? Well then do this for me: Close your eyes and spin around in a circle. Okay stop, but keep your eyes closed. Now tell me, what direction is South?

You don’t fucking know.

MATING

Many birds attract a mate using bright plumage and elaborate mating dances. It is usually the male who must go through these trials to entice the female. Once two birds are paired, they may stay together for life, or they may part and reproduce with multiple partners. However most birds are monogamous, since it increases the chance of survival for their chics. The Dusky Capped Nighthatch has a bigger dick than you.

BIRDS OF NORTH AMERICA

Common Peafowl
When you see this bird, you’ll think, “Oh look, it’s a peacock.” It’s not a peacock, it’s a peafowl. Please, please don’t say “Look at the pretty peacock!” out loud, or you will embarrass me as well as yourself and we’ll have to leave the party early with everyone watching and wondering what we’re arguing about.

You probably thought I would use this “peacock” discussion as an opportunity to mock your tiny cock, but I’m bigger than that . . . too bad you aren’t.

Crimson Collared Grosbeak
This large finch has especially beautiful coloring. It’s body is a blood red which extends down its back into a deep brown-red. The rich gradation looks like the last light of sunset when a Hunter’s moon is overhead. It’s head and wings are black like the night. Frankly, you don’t deserve to see one of these.

American Woodcock
This tiny cock is less than two inches long and spends most of its time rooting in filthy underbrush. That’s all I’m going to say about that, but I will now turn my eyes on you and arch my eyebrows significantly.

Spotted Dove
This is my favorite bird, and if you have a problem with that you can go fuck yourself.

Gray Catbird
The Gray Catbird’s habitat is low, dense vegetation or vine tangles at the edges of forests, marshes, and streams. Suburban landscapes contain good habitat for this species. Which is fortunate, since suburban landscapes are crowding and destroying the natural habitats of so many other birds. But don’t let that stop you from buying a second SUV, or paving your backyard.

Lesser Prairie Chicken
Hey, the picture of this bird looks a lot like you. You heard me.