Thursday, June 19, 2008

LITERARY ADVENTURE: The Time Machine, Part V

IN LAST WEEK’S LITERARY ADVENTURE: Doogie built a time machine with the intention of traveling back to 1894 London and watching H.G. Wells write the first page of his science fiction classic, The Time Machine. Instead he ended up in colonial in Philadelphia, where he lost a fight with a pygmy farmer and his battle ogre (who hit Doogie with a bathtub). After an exciting hallucination where he fought a giant squid, Doogie woke to find himself a captive in the farmer’s basement, where the farmer raised hobos like cattle and fed them to a race of Molemen™, who traded him gold for human flesh.

Wait, it gets dumber.

The farmer knew about the time machine, but hadn’t discovered it’s true use, believing it to be an advanced sheep shearing apparatus. The queen of the Molemen™, who was being held ransom by the farmer, was locked in the cage next to Doogie. She gave him a sigul along with instructions to find her father, and revealed a secret passage beneath his cell. Doogie broke through the passage and found nothing but cold, dark air beneath his feet. He fell.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!

– – – –

I was falling fast. I couldn’t gauge how fast, because I couldn’t see anything. But I could feel it in my stomach. I reached out and my hand smacked against the rushing rock, breaking my wrist. I screamed SHAZAM! on the off chance it would turn me into a superhero, and to my amazement—


—the wind was knocked out of me. But I wasn’t hurt. It felt like someone had smacked me with a pillow. I was sitting in the middle of something big and spongy. I couldn’t see what though, it was still pitch black.

“Hey, what the fuck are you doing, dicknose?” A voice said to my left.

“You’ve dented our mushroom!” shrieked a voice on my right.

I screamed “Don’t come any closer! I have the chicken pox!” I was bluffing, but they didn’t know that. I heard them take a frantic step back.

“Ah! Don’t breath on us!” said Lefty.

“What’s chicken pox?” cried Righty.

“You’ll know soon enough,” I said in my scariest Batman voice.

“No, no! Spare us!”

I dramatically held out the Princess’s sigul in my left hand. “Princess Amidala gave me this.” There was a reverent silence.

“Uh, we can’t see what you’re holding. Your back is to us.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Can you see anything?” Lefty said.

“I see everything,” I said in my best the Shadow voice. Bluff!

I spun around, held out the sigul, and I heard their knees hit the ground.

“The Princess is alive!” they cried.

– – –

A couple minutes later, Lefty, Righty, and I were zipping through the underground caverns on Hoverboards™, en route to see the King. They explained that they were mushroom farmers, and I was very lucky to have landed on one of their large fungi. They spent the next five minutes telling me how much they loved mushrooms.

Flying through the caverns, I felt the cold, stale air rush against my cheeks, but I still couldn’t see anything.

“There’s the crystal caverns,” said Lefty. “The artistry on the carved pillars is so lifelike, it seems to breath. They truly are a wonder greater than anything seen in the Aboveworld.”

“And look, the stalagtite birds are molting,” said Righty. “How their diamond wings shimmer off the golden frogs’ blinking eyeballs,”

“Yes,” I said, “It’s amazing.”

– – –

Presently we arrived at the court of the Molemen’s™ ruler, King Ralph, and got off our Hoverboards™.

“Halt, who goes there?” a deep voice boomed. I heard two swords clash in front of us, barring our way.

“Steve, it’s me. You know it’s me,” Lefty said.

A deep sigh. “Look Tom, I’m working right now. I know it’s you, but—“

“Then why’d you say ‘Who goes there?’ It’s me. You know that.” Awkward.

“Look, I’m the Dude, so that’s what you call me, I just—HOLY SHIT!” Apparently the guards just noticed me. “What is that?! It’s a Farm Person!” I heard their swords fly apart, and then a sound like steel hornets as they whipped out and sliced the air in front of me. I ducked and felt the tips of my hair sheared off.

I operated on adventurer instincts. I dodged left and heard a sword clang against stone where I stood a moment before, hot sparks striking my leg. The other guard’s sword flew between my legs as I executed a midair split.

“Stop!” Righty cried.

The guards both stopped.

“Tom, he’s with us,” Lefty said.

I heard the guards drop their swords. “Oh, sorry,” Tom said sheepishly. “It’s uh, you know. It’s my first day on the job.”

I heard the creaking of heavy stone doors.

“Go ahead in,” the second guard said. I heard him light a cigarette.

“Did you know the inlaid marble on these doors is carved in an exact duplicate of God’s left thumb print?” Righty whispered to me.

“Yes, I knew that,” I whispered back.

– – –

“Welcome to the throne room of the King of the Molemen™!” Trumpets blared, bouncing off the stone walls. Somewhere someone shook a tambourine. There were lots of Molepeople in here, breathing, mumbling, shifting nervously.

A regal voice cut through the noise right in front of me. “Welcome, Farm Person!”

Lefty and Righty whispered in my ears. “Kneel! Kneel!”

“Thanks. Thank you,” I stammered as I got down on my knees. What was I thanking him for? I was nervous.

“How do you like my throne room? I bet you never saw diamonds this big in Outland, huh? And my golden throne, isn’t it magnificent?”

“Yes, nice throne. It looks like God’s butt.”

“Why yes, it’s an exact replica!” His voice was expansive, benevolent. “I hear you have brought a sigul?”

“Yes.” I held it out, and the room gasped, suddenly silent.

Heavy footsteps descended and walked towards me. A thick robe brushed my face, and cold, gnarled fingers plucked the sigul from my hand.

“Amidala’s Muscle Man figurine. She’s alive?” His voice quivered.

“Yes, she’s alive.”

The King roared like a beast. The trumpets blared so loud I was afraid the cavern’s ceiling would collapse; pebbles rained down on our heads. The massed people cheered, and the King’s bellow soared above it like thunder at the head of a storm cloud: “Goonies never say die!”


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Brendan said...

as always, this piece of the time traveling literary fanfare has amused me and left me wanting more. Kudos Doogie.

briancraig said...

oh, man!

i got caught up on all my reading yesterday, and what a day it was!

enjoyable as always, doogie. i can't wait for more.

-brian c.

a Powerful Hollywood Lawyer said...

This entire adventure is a bald faced ripoff of the upcoming Brendan Frasier vehicle, Journey to the Center of the Earth: Giant mushrooms, Molemen with mob names, a golden throne shaped like God's butt, it's all there.

Prepare for some Literary Litigation, dicknose.

Studs McKenzie said...

I heard that Literary Adventure is coming out with a pop-up book version of their classic article "Finding the Bookmark That's Right For You." True or false? I heard this rumor from a Hollywood Insider.

Jen said...

This adventure stopped me from commiting suicide.