Wednesday, July 16, 2008

AARON HERTZOG: Future Parents Just Don't Understand

Do your parents not understand modern technology? Do they still use crazy, outdated methods to get things done. Do they still think we are alone in this universe? If you have an example of your parents incompetence, send us a mindfax!

If your parents are like mine, they don't even know how to work a Xegabot!
My mom was trying out my virtual reality helmet and completely forgot she was in the VR world. My dad ended up having to cook us dinner that night (and all he knows how to do is deionize a pro-t-pack) while she was making an entire supper for the virtual family. When she finally realized what was going on and came out of it, she asked us why we just didn't pull the helmet off. I couldn't believe it! Doesn't she know that pulling someone out of virtual reality against their will can result in a complete mind/ body permanent separation. We want her to cook us vegetables, not be one.
From SAM429-X

My mom still hasn't had the interchip installed. She thinks it's a way for the government to spy on her by knowing every single thing she ever thinks about. I mean, it figures, she was born in 1984.
From Z293GO-V

The other day I caught my dad taking a nap. I was like, HELLO, why don't you just get into your re-energizing pod and emerge moments later feeling fresh as a daisy. Hey, I never wondered where that phrase came from until now. Apparently, a "daisy" is a flower that used to grow on Earth (the first one). A "flower" is a plant, considered with reference to its blossom or cultivated for its floral beauty. Thanks Instabrainwaveapedia!
From X7F109-T

Last week I brought home my new boyfriend, Zerg. He's a hybrid, and my dad is very old fashioned. He went off on this rant about how I should date my own kind and he doesn't know why the Crimertonians can't just go back to where they came from and leave us alone. Zerg tried to explain that they are still conducting their genetic experiments but once they are finished everything will be better than it ever was before. Well that just made my dad crazy and he grabbed this old shotgun he keeps hidden under the old eyesore recliner that he just won't get rid of (that's another story on it's own) and points it at Zerg, completely forgetting that hybrids posses the exact same mind control powers as full blood Crimertonians. Zerg just froze my dad right in his tracks. My dad is lucky that hybrids aren't as bad as he thinks they are because Zerg could have made him turn the shotgun on himself, instead he just brought my whole family back to his ship where they harvested our eggs and sperm to further their creation of more hybrid children. I guess it's ironic, my dad tried to stop the hybrids, and he ended up providing enough genetic material to create literally thousands of future hybrid children. As for me and Zerg, things are going great. Sometimes I think maybe it's time we split up, but then he just looks deep into my eyes, and my mind is instantly changed.
From R34XCV-9

Aaron Hertzog will be performing stand-up at Chuckles Comedy Club on Saturday, July 26th.


Kent said...

Aaron, I tried to read this article on, but then I saw an ad for a t-shirt that says "Cougar Bait" and I almost shit my pants laughing.

But this is pretty funny too.

Pruneface said...

I agree, Cougar Bait is a hilarious phrase. I would've liked this whole future thingy if that phrase had been in there. Also, you could've incorporated some of the catch phrases I heard in the Love Guru. I don't think that would be "stealing," it would be an "homage."