Friday, December 12, 2008

BREAKING: Man Sues God Over Flooded Basement

BY NOLAN GILBRIDE, COMIC VS. AUDIENCE TIMES Chalfont, PA – Jacob Winters, 53, has filed suit against God for destruction of property.

This past summer a torrential rain flooded Winters’ basement. Several boxes of valuables were damaged in the flood.

“I lost my high school diploma, VHS movie collection, and autographed Hal Holbrook headshot,” Winters said.

Winters believes God has to take responsibility for his actions.

“If I was at fault in a car accident, I would be responsible for fixing the other guys bumper. I don’t see how God’s exempt from that kind of thing.”

Winters recently moved into the house on Linden Ave this past year. The previous tenants, Mr. and Mrs. Frank Able, informed Winters the basement had not flooded in their tenure despite several storms of a similar nature.

Winters believes that God has a personal vendetta against him.

“Well, the Sunday before the storm, I was late for church and was unable to sit in the front row. I suspect that God didn’t see me and assumed I did not attend.”

Winters gave further evidence for the vendetta, stating God intervened in the outcome of Super Bowl XLI because he missed church that Sunday and illegally bet on the New England Patriots.

Winters contends David Tyree’s acrobatic and improbable catch that propelled the New York Giants over the Patriots was an act of God.

It isn’t the first time God has been sued. Marshal Chuck LaMar has served several summonses in his career to God.

“Serving a summons to God is the easiest summons to serve.” LaMar said. “Since God is omnipresent I don’t have to leave my office.”

The valuables that were destroyed were placed in boxes on a folding table against the southeastern corner of the basement. When Winters discovered his basement had flooded the next morning, he surveyed the walls of the basement, walking through water up to his ankles.

A large crack was found along the southeastern corner and water stains visibly run down the wall. A pool of water collected on the folding table, seeped through the boxes and ruined photos of Winters graduations, birthdays, and wedding. Several other boxes were underneath the folding table.

“God knows I’m no Rockefeller and that these memories can’t be relived. I’m just asking for money to fix my basement so I can avoid this happening again.”

Many lawyers believe Winters case is difficult to win. It is believed that several district court judges are devout.

“I’m just asking for a fair trail,” Winters said.

God was unavailable for comment.

2 comments:

Possibly Chip Chantry, but not confirmed said...

Hilarious

Doogie said...

God is so petty.