Thursday, December 11, 2008

DEAF COMEDY JAMZ: Mixes for Any Occasion #1 by Rob “The Mix Master” Baniewicz

Widow at the Funeral (Side A)

This mix is for a widow who you had a crush and have been the "best friend" of since high school, secretly longing for her during the entire length of the marriage. Give it to her at the funeral. That's imperative. Let's dissect the first side of the tape:

1. The B-52s - "Deadbeat Club"

I believe you should always start off poppy, even in this case. The widow will have had her fill of mourning the second she presses play on your tape. Because you get it -- the situation, her, and the long, painful death her husband experienced mangled inside a mini-cooper smashed against a tree. Believe you me, she'll thank you in many ways for that smile from the first song. Probably through sex acts… or in my case, a torso crushing hug and a good long cry of never-ending pain into my brand new Dolce & Gabbana shirt I purchased for the after-funeral party. A bonus is the B-52s mention the Question Mark & The Mysterians' classic song "96 Tears", so you'll have a song brought to mind that mentions crying without having to deal with all the shitty production value of the 60s.

2. Primitive Radio Gods - "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand"

Wow. Flashback right? At its peak you could have heard this song on three pop stations at the same time. That's how powerful and great it was. This is where she should get the full release of our sadness out. Because if you clear up all that sad stuff on track two -- you'll have the rest of the mix to tell a very important message… let's move on, hand in hand.

3. INXS - "Never Tear Us Apart"

This song will remind the widow that you have a lifelong bond with her, never ceasing, never dying. No matter what, be it through dead husband, urinary tract infection, or that one time she lost her cell phone, you've always been there for her. Plus, the dramatic soulfulness of Michael Hutchence's voice may inadvertently remind her of what a sexual deviant her dead husband was.

Plus it's sung from the first person:

I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never tear us apart

This firmly, but romantically, takes her away from possibly thinking this song is about her husband's relationship with her and the possibility of their relationship living on in the after-life. No -- this song is about the mix-maker. I will be there for you Amanda. They can't tear US apart.

4. Elton John - "I Guess That's Why they Call It the Blues"

Nothing better then Elton singing about my most precious moments of love and sadness. This is the most heartfelt song on the playlist, and I feel like sums up a lot of what I am trying to say:

Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why
They call it the blues

This is most certainly what she needs. A good romp with you in the sack along with this mix (reminder: this tape could definitely work again for a post-funeral coitus session). By this point, she should have been wooed. You don't even need anymore tracks -- but sometimes (cough-cough Amanda) it takes more then four songs to convince a lady. I mean honestly Mandy, did you listen to the lyrics? If you had, I very much doubt you would visit that guy’s grave nearly as much as you have been lately.

Without me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself

What's better then that?!

Oh, it's at this point I guess it's a good time to remind you to be sure to print out a lyrics sheet with important lines highlighted.

5. Simple Minds - "Alive & Kicking"

End the first side of the tape with something reaffirming, something uplifting. She can't wallow forever -- I mean they were only married for two years and car accidents happen everyday, so her case isn't that unique. It also firmly cements her in your mind as the only thing that can get her out of this depressing quagmire as evident in the following:

What's it gonna take to make a dream survive?
Who's got the touch to calm the storm inside?
Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye
In the final seconds who's gonna save you?
Oh, Alive and Kicking!

The mix-maker is the answer to all these questions -- and this mix should reaffirm that message.

Rob “The Mix Master” Baniewicz is a part of the sketch group Meg & Rob.

Teen Punks In Heat
Don't Take Our Songs So Seriously
A Sh*tty Taste: Tiny Tim & Brave Combo's "Girl"

1 comment:

Brendan Kennedy said...

what's amanda's problem? Her husband died, not her vagina.