Duke Ellington famously said, "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing".
That phrase has never been more appropriate in this country than it is right now.
At least for one man.
"It's so money!" proclaims 31-year old insurance adjuster Steve Gruben, referring to the 1998 Big Bad Voodoo Daddy hit "You and Me and the Bottle Makes Three Tonight (Baby)".
Listen to "You and Me and the Bottle Makes Three Tonight (Baby)":
A decade ago, before 9/11, before Columbine, Hurricane Katrina, or According to Jim, our nation went through a delightful era known by many as the "retro swing" fad. As a backlash to grunge music, and supported by the cult film Swingers, swing music, first popular in the early 20th-century, made a brief comeback. Bands such as Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and fellow swingsters Cherry Poppin' Dadddies had radio hits with songs that were pleasant enough for your grandmother, but hip enough for your frat brothers.
Listen to "Zoot Suit Riot":
"This music is so money- I mean, I played trombone in the jazz band in middle school, and always thought it would be so money if this music came back in style. And now it finally has!", beams Gruben, a plump, baby-faced fireplug of a man.
To many, including Gruben's friends and coworkers, the retro swing movement was a passing fad for about six months in 1998. Apparently, the then-21-year-old junior at Widener University completely missed out on the swing music craze, and is only discovering it now.
"Steve was pretty messed up in '98. His girlfriend from home dumped him for a guy who worked at Best Buy. She was kind of a bitch, but she was hot, and her dad owned a Little Caesars," explained Gruben's fraternity brother Jason Layman.
After the bad break up, Gruben did not get out much for a few months. "He stayed in his dorm, drank vodka and Tang, and watched 'Reservoir Dogs' over and over. I think he missed the whole swing deal. I mean, it was only a couple weeks long, right?"
Now, ten years later, this stout little fellow has turned in his fraternity sweatshirt for a zoot suit. FIVE zoot suits, in fact. "You can't believe the deal I got on these," states Gruben. "And I look SO MONEY, BABY!"
How did a pudgy pencil-pusher like Gruben stumble upon this passing fad a half-generation later?
"I took him to see 'Four Christmases' with Vince Vaughn and John F-something," explains Andrea Balker, Gruben's homely, unkempt, friend-with-benefits. "He thought it was the greatest movie ever. He wanted to know if those two guys ever teamed up before. Then he rented Swingers on NetFlix. He's had it for like a month."
"Swingers is SO MONEY, BABY!" spouts Gruben. "That scene when he meets the hot chick from Bowfinger [Heather Graham] is so fuckin' money! I signed up for swing dancing classes the next day. I wanted to be just like my boy Double-Down!"
Listen to "Dr. Bones":
Since that ship sailed during the Clinton administration, most swing clubs have closed up shop, and the clientele at swing lessons are generally retired couples and boys practicing for their bar mitzvahs.
That hasn't dampened Gruben's spirits. Every month, he hosts a poorly-attended swing night in his mother's basement. "He gets all dolled up anyway," admits Layman. "And it's not a good look for him. He looks like a fat boy dressed as a gangster for Halloween. And he SWEATS! And I think he dances all by himself, when no one's there. I can't decide if it's annoying or just sad."
Though his friends hope that this phase will pass as fast for him as it did for the rest of the country a decade ago, Gruben remains enthusiastic. "Pickin' between Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and Cherry Poppin' Daddies is, like, impossible. There's both SO MONEY!"
"He hasn't even found out about The Brian Setzer Orchestra yet," laments Layman. "With his asthma, I don't think he could take it."
Louis CK is a really busy guy. As the first and only season of his HBO sitcom Lucky Louie came to a close, he was busy putting together a new set of stand-up comedy that would eventually become his one-hour HBO special Shameless. By the time that aired, he was touring again (performing at the Keswick in April) with another hour of material that eventually became Chewed Up, which was released on CD and DVD this week. And if you were smart enough to notice a pattern, he's getting ready for another tour: "The tour is called 'Louis CK: Hilarious' and it's a completely different hour of material than Chewed Up (or Shameless, my special from last year)." This time he'll be performing at the 1790-seat Merriam Theater in downtown Philadelphia:
FINALLY the new Stella video that the trio have been playing on their recent tour can be seen by all of the unlucky rubes that weren't there. It feels like it's your birthday, right?
Jimmy Pardo is a L.A.-based, Chicago-raised stand-up comedian and host of the widely successful podcast Never Not Funny. Known for his (really) quick-wit and stream of conscious style, Pardo's live material consists mostly of crowd work. He'll be performing at the Helium Comedy Club tonight through Saturday.
You were a record executive at a young age?
"Executive" is a strong word, I was a sales and merchandise rep for MCA Records. I came out of record sales and got "called up to the bigs" when I was 21. And I was not well-liked, the old guard didn't care for this young kid coming in and taking jobs from in-house people.
What did the job entail?
I would have to call the record stores and get them to buy the album. I would basically call up the buyers of these chains and say "Hey, the new R.E.M. is out" (because we distributed IRS too), or "the new Tiffany or the new Fine Young Cannibals, how many do you want?" The problem was that I was a horrible salesman because I loved music. So we had a quota of x amount of the Little River Band and I would say "hey, this is a pretty good album", but no one's going to buy it. No one cares about the Little River Band in 1987. So all of my customers liked me for the most part, but I was horrible at the job.
So you started doing stand-up around the same time?
My first open mic was in 1987 right after I turned 21. Then I got the job at MCA and thought "well I've got to focus on this job" and I didn't do any open mics for six to eight months. Eventually I was working at MCA during the day and doing open mics at night and finally after I had been working quite a bit in Chicago getting paid to do stand-up, my boss basically gave me an ultimatum: "you want to pursue this crazy dream of yours, or do you want to work for the record company?" And I went "I'll tell you tomorrow" and I knew the answer, but I told him the answer the next day, "you know, I'm going to pursue my crazy dream." And the weird part is that everyone that had worked at that branch had come to see me and truth be told, I sucked. I was green and doing comedy for less than a year so when I told them I was going to quit, you could see it in their eyes, "oh he's fucking ridiculous, what is he doing?" And in retrospect they were right, because I stunk and they don't know that you get better. Real people don't think that you improve at a craft.
They think you just have it already or not...
Right. And the other funny thing is that head of the Motown-Chicago branch (because MCA and Motown were connected at the time) told me that he could get me on Evening at the Apollo. "I'll make a phone call right now to get you on the Apollo." And I would go "Ben, I've got no business going on the Apollo, they would kill me. They would boo me so badly." And he would say "no no, we'd let them know that you were one of our guys" and they wouldn't care if I'm one of your guys! And to the day that I quit he couldn't understand that I didn't want the exposure of Evening at the Apollo.
What was your material like back then? Was it a lot of crowd work like it is now?
That's the interesting thing (only to comedy nerds, not to real people). In my open mic days, I was very much like what I'm doing today. I took chances, I was in the moment. And everything I say very humbly without bravado, but I was an open miker that other open mikers liked to come in and watch. They'd see me really just get up there and riff and the crowds would go crazy. And back in those days, there were crowds at open mics. This was the late '80s and everybody loved comedy. So what happened is I started getting paid in March of '89 and once I started getting paid I panicked and thought "oh now I have to start being like a comedian. I need to start being like what people see on TV." And I won't say that I sold out, but I just kind of became milquetoast for basically '89 through '92. At the end of '92 I don't really know what happened, but I guess I just got tired of people telling me I was the funniest guy to hang out with and if I ever found what I was doing offstage, on stage, people would love me. And I didn't even understand what they were saying because I'm doing well on stage. But something clicked and I said "go back to what you were doing and who you are." In retrospect I wish I would've never stopped doing what I was doing when I started.
You started in Chicago, which everyone knows for improv, but what was the stand-up scene like back in the late '80s and '90s?
Oh, it was huge. At the time that I started, we were going to one or two open mics every night and when I started getting paid in '89, I did not leave Chicago for six months because I worked non-stop in the city and suburbs. There were so many one-nights and full-time comedy clubs and that's why I came up through the ranks so quickly. Every club or one-nighter needed talent and everything was spread so thin that while I still should have been open miking, I was getting paid to be an emcee. Which is why I became what other people refer to as a "great host" or "great emcee". That's really where I learned my chops instead of the open mics. The comedy scene in Chicago was just phenomenal, I don't know what it was like in L.A. or New York or anywhere else, but everyone was very supportive of each other. Obviously there were the guys that you thought were hacks or arrogant, any scene is going to have that, but you find your core group of guys that I'm still great friends with today and we all just got our asses kicked together and learned together.
Why did you originally start your podcast "Never Not Funny"?
I had been doing my live talk show at the UCB Theater ["Running Your Trap"] and Matt Belknap was just an audience member that of course ran Aspecialthing.com. He was just this guy that would come to the shows and he had me on his podcast ["AST Radio"] where he was just interviewing comedians. And he said to me, "we should make a podcast out of the talk show" and I said "ok that sounds good. I don't know what any of that means, but ok." And after talking a little longer he said "I don't even want to do AST Radio anymore, I want to produce a podcast with Jimmy Pardo doing it." Again, I didn't really know what podcasting was but I wanted to do it- I'm a horrible businessman and I thought, this is going to be the one thing that I'm going to be first at. I don't want to not do this now because it's got a cable-access vibe to it, and then two years later hear about how...I'm just going to use someone's name, I didn't want to hear about how great Andy Kindler's podcast was and then go "why didn't I do one!" Then I'd be the guy following, so the way I like to describe it as I was kind of following by leading because I didn't want to be left behind on this new format. So I jumped in really early and did it out of panic and of course it grew into this crazy thing that it is today.
Has doing the podcast affected your live material in any way?
Not on the road necessarily. The nice thing about the podcast is that A LOT of people are coming out to see me that probably didn't know who I was two years ago. It's phenomenal to walk out on stage and have people know who you are, there's no better feeling than that. But as far as material goes, the only thing it's really affecting is when I do my live shows around L.A. So many of the people there also listen to the podcast and if I tell a story on the podcast one week and then I'm doing a live show the next week, now it gets diffused a bit. I don't really put anything on the back burner, but sometimes I wish I would have. Some things I think I probably should have worked this out on stage, but the podcast has sort of become my stage. Sometimes that thing makes it to the stage, I'm telling a story now about my son at the CVS walking up in the middle of the gang bangers and saying hello. So sometimes there's pieces that I think are too good to just let sit on the podcast.
Besides laughter of course, when do you know that you're really "clicking" with a live audience?
It's not a matter of just laughs (and I don't want this to sound arrogant), but it's feeling that you have the freedom that the audience will go wherever you want to go and trust you. You just feel a trust with the audience where you think "oh ok, they're going to get me." And that I can make as many '80s band references as I want and whatever riffing and know that they are going to go with it and love it. The truth is, although I don't really "bomb" anymore, there's nights where they don't want to hear that crap and I just stick to the material and though those shows are good, the audience doesn't know what it could've been. Because when they trust me and it's loose, the more fun I'm having, the more fun they're going to have and the more open my mind is and it's going to be a lot more stream of consciousness stuff coming out.
It really is a conversation and not just a guy telling his jokes regardless...
And I know you just interviewed Todd Glass, Todd and I are very much on the same page on this. There's a big difference between performing and communicating and Todd and I want to communicate with the audience. We're two guys that if we perform in clubs with no more than 100 people every night, we'd be the happiest performers in the world. I think that's what comedy should be. If you listen to those old Woody Allen albums or even the first Steve Martin album, these are small jazz clubs, people crammed in, low ceilings and people listening to this performer talk and that's all they're doing. They're talking. Steve Martin's first two albums are two different worlds because by the second one [A Wild and Crazy Guy], he's in a stadium.
And the audience is screaming, it's not even laughter.
The same thing happened with Kinison and Dice Clay and to the lesser extent with Cosby in the '80s with Himself where he could get a laugh just by lifting a finger and everyone claims about how genius he is for not having to swear. To me it's all about communicating and connecting than it is performing. You know, Madison Square Garden, for comedy? And when you watch that special, and I don't even want to say the guy's name, nobody's laughing. They're just hooting and hollering and yelling. Granted, yes, wouldn't we all want to play Madison Square Garden? Maybe, for our egos, but me, I'd rather do a two-week stint at a 100-seat theater.
You were host of National Lampoon's Funny Money on the Game Show Network and are currently the host of "Running Your Trap" and the live remake of Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" at the UCB Theatre in L.A. What do you like about hosting game shows?
I like the formated looseness of them. I like that there's things that need to be done, but in those parameters I can be loose and do what I do. Which is actually why "You Bet Your Life" is the perfect vehicle for me because it's basically just talking to people and then playing this tiny little game that kind of interrupts the interview. I just think it's from being a kid nerd coming home from school and watching game shows and just loving them. When I was a child I would sit and watch Match Game and laugh at jokes that I probably didn't understand.
Would you say Groucho Marx is an influence of yours?
I would say any "insult" comic is, although that would take away from what Groucho or I do. Newspaper reviews compare me to Don Rickles and that's a compliment because he's such a genius and legend, but one night in Lexington I mentioned Groucho on stage for some reason and when I came off stage, the middle act, Matt Fugate, who is a great comic out of Minneapolis, said "you know what, that's who it is. You're not Don Rickles, you're Groucho! You insulting them, but there's a love behind it and it's not so much insulting as getting them involved with it." And yeah, I grew up idolizing Groucho, Don Rickles, Johnny Carson and Robert Klein (who has nothing to do with insult comedy).
Other influences?
Richard Lewis and Paul Reiser, even though they are very similar in a way. But as I look back I realize how much Richard Lewis played into what I do. Don't be fooled by his list of notes that he brings out with him, he refers to them but everything else is stream of consciousness and he was doing that before other people were doing it. He was just brilliant and I still think he's great.
Read more...
(I'm stuck in an airport in Detroit for four hours)
5. Chris Rock - Kill the Messenger -- This one should at least be commended for the neat experiment of cutting between three different shows in three different cities pretty seamlessly. However, it did get pretty distracting and I would really have preferred to just watch one show all the way through. The material is solid, though, and I'd call it better than Never Scared.
4. George Carlin - It's Bad For Ya -- "I'd like to begin by saying, 'Fuck Lance Armstrong.'" Not Carlin's best of his later years (that belongs to You Are All Diseased). But looking at it from after his death, this functions as the final words of an angry old fuck. The closing bit, "You Have No Rights" is both hilarious and a punch in the gut.
3. Bill Burr - Why Do I Do This? -- I love Bill Burr. I love this special. Delving into dark material, even for him, his stuff on thinking about running people over in his car and his basically advocating eugenics is so brutal and funny. I might be reading too much into everything, but the fact that he talks frankly about things beneath the surface that are disturbing or violent is so refreshing.
2. Brian Regan - The Epitome of Hyperbole -- Everybody knows Brian Regan. He's hilarious. This special is no exception.
1. Louis CK - Chewed Up -- George Carlin is dead. Louis CK is the best stand-up comedian alive. He is absolutely without fear and will take any subject and gut it completely. And yet, his delivery is so appealing and he is so charismatic and naturally likable that he can launch right into bits about the word faggot or cunt or ni**er without receiving so much as a gasp. The fact that Louis CK is so good, it's beyond the point of angering that it's gone right into awe. Beyond laughter, he is a joy to watch.
Luke Giordano is a part of the improv group DREXEL FOOTBALL TEAM and host of the monthly stand-up show "Stand-up at the Bully Pulpit" Read more...
Here is The Feeko Brothers' nomination for the Greatest Local Commercial. During local sports coverage, nestled in between commercials for trucks and boner medicine, you'll find this little gem for the delicious Not Just Pizza.
Do not even attempt to read this "article" without watching the above video.
Not Just Pizza. Let us first point out that there is absolutely no information in this commercial. All we know is that "Not Just Pizza" and Sal are back. That's it. They do state that they have "an amazing food selection," "great service," and "one of a kind delivery and take-out specials." However these three things should come STANDARD with every restaurant and are by no means "selling points."
Again, there is no information in this commercial. Take this hypothetical conversation between two rubes: Rube #1: Hey I just saw this commercial for "Not Just Pizza." Let's order.
Rube #2: What kind of food do they have?
Rube #1: Not just Pizza.
Rube #2: But like, what kind?
Rube #1: I dunno. Sal's back.
Rube #2: What?
Luckily, they put their phone number and approximate address in the commercial so you could actually give them a chance.
Now, onto the 800 pound gorilla in the room. After a "Breaking News" fear-flash, a tomato reading "11th and Wolf" swoops into frame to reveal... a Penguin. A Talking Penguin. A Talking Penguin News Reporter. A Talking Penguin News Reporter who is forced to do fluff pieces on local pizza parlors. Who is this Talking Penguin News Reporter and why is he getting such bad assignments? Since his mere presence alone raises more questions than answers, we did a little online research and found this biography:
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Talking Penguin News Reporter (1943-????) is Peabody Award winning journalist is know for his succinct reporting style which arrives in his signature disyllabic bursts. From the South Pole to South Philly, Talking Penguin News Reporter's integrity has been put to the test and each time he has responded with unflappable poise.
Here a few of his career highlights:
Dallas, TX - 11/22/1963 - "Jack's Dead!"
Washington DC - 8/8/1974 - "Dick's Gone!"
Berlin, Germany - 11/2/1989 - "Wall's Down!"
Washington DC - 12/19/1998 - "Look I understand what President Clinton did was morally reprehensible but at least he didn't lead us into an unjust war!"
New York, NY - 9/11/2001 -"Let's Roll!"
After an on-air melt down in May of 2003, the Talking Penguin News Reporter was cast out of the upper echelon of Talking Penguin News Reporters. He currently resides in the Pennsport section of South Philadelphia with his wife and three kids. He is currently a local corespondent for "Not Just Pizza".
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Well, that sort of answers at least part of one question. Anyway, we think it's time to end this "article." Not because we've exhausted every mockable aspect of this commercial, but because there might be a word limit on writing about something this stupid. In closing, "Not Just Pizza" makes a great pie, and while we may never understand the meaning behind their commercials, I think we can all find solace in the fact that Sal's back!
Fun Facts:
*The LIVE report is not actually LIVE every time.
*The anagram for "Sal's Back" is "Black Ass." Think about it.
*The Talking Penguin News Reporter does not in fact wear a tuxedo.
*Their Pizza > Their Commercial
There's a lot to be angry at Jon Hamm for. He's handsome, he's incredibly talented, everyone loves him, he's the lead of the best show on TV and as evidenced by his recent appearance on Jimmy Pardo's Never Not Funny, he's got comedy chops as well. Here, bearded Zach G. manages to take Hamm down a peg or two, hilariously!
Not sure if you've noticed, but 2008 is coming to a close. And to celebrate and look back, we asked a bunch of Philadelphia comedians what were there favorite/funniest/most awesome moments of the year. We'll be posting their responses over the next few weeks.
1. Sarah Palin and Tina Fey's portrayal of her
I'm sure a lot of people will cite this, but it really was a great run of top-notch comedy. Big kudos for one of the sketches being word-for-word replay of the real ridiculousness.
3. The Action Section's Halloween Spectacular
This was a great Philly debut for a great new sketch comedy group.
4. Little Britain HBO
If you haven't caught some of the new Little Britain sketches, fresh from right here in the U.S. of A., you are missing out.
5. Hand Vagina on CollegeHumor
While technically from last year, I didn't see it until recently, and isn't that how viral videos work nowadays? Funny; watch it.
5. Getting introduced to the great sketch comedy that's growing in Philly.
4. All of the comedians that took the time and effort to regularly put on their own shows this year: The Ministry of Secret Jokes, The Comic Vs. Audience Show, Center City Comedy, The Urban Saloon, Stand-Up at the Bully Pulpit...
3. Watching Joe DeRosa tape his Comedy Central Presents...
1. Kent Haines interviewing Aaron Hertzog at an edition of "Why Am I Not Famous?" The awkward factor matched that of The UK Office. I know Kent and Aaron are good friends but watching this live was so drastically uncomfortable. This show was when the Fringe Fest was going on. There were a handful of older Fringe Fest fans in the audience. God only knows what they thought was going on.
2. Jamie Moyer's ridiculous speech when the Phils won the NL East. "We've grown as teammates. We've grown as men. We've grown as fathers."
3. The incredible overnight Paul Jolowitz WIP show where he refused to talk about sports. The topic, instead, was "Who do you find most fascinating outside the world of sports?" Jolly then went on to talk about how "no one would get his answer." The first three callers said Andy Reid before having long pauses when told they had to say someone outside of sports. The fourth caller took a stab at Jolly's fascination. He said "Warren Buffet." He was right. Jolly's show was ruined within the first 10 minutes.
4. Steve Gerben's fantastic meltdown during a Yo Momma battle at The Ministry of Secret Jokes. Gerben came off like the best wrestling bad guy since Jerry Lawler made a dramatic appearance at the ECW Arena where he repeatedly hit Tommy Dreamer in the scrotum with a bamboo stick.
5. Any and all appearances of Dave Hill in Philadelphia. Dave Hill may be the funniest person in the country right now. We're really lucky to be able to see him do his stuff at The Shubin Theater.
5. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT MOVIE BUZZ
So many people want this to happen that there's buzz any time you go looking for it. But the movie got a swift kick last month as both Ron Howard & Mitch Hurwitz inked deals with Imagine/Fox Searchlight for treatments. Fingers still crossed (they're getting tired).
4. GOV SARAH PALIN
There are so many things about the VP hopeful that it's hard to list them all. Notable moments include her jaw-dropping interview series with Katie Couric that fueled SNL's cold opens like crazy. Another topper was a Canadian duo prank calling Gov Sarah Palin posing as French President Nicolas Sarkozy. They kept it up from quite awhile, even referencing Hustler's Palin-themed porno, with the Gov none the wiser (audio | transcript).
3. SNL
The show kicked down the door of viewers this season with their political cold opens, but then has managed to keep up with itself, putting out some really great digital shorts (and memorable skits like Surprise Party (or just about anything else that Kristen Wiig touches). Also the addition of UCBer Bobby Moynihan was great news and I couldn't think of a nicer, more deserving person for SNL to pick up.
2. NERVE & IFC'S LIST OF THE50 GREATEST COMEDY SKETCHES OF ALL TIME
I can't even begin to tell you the time I spent going through this list. Most of the sketches listed had embedded video right there, so it was really deadly to my productivity in April. The obvious ones are here like Python, SNL, KITH, etc. But they dug deep to pull out some great stuff from French & Saunders, Your Show of Shows, The State, Mr. Show, Carol Burnett and one of my personal favorites, Catherine Tate.
1. TINA FEY
There's little doubt that Tina is the comedy queen of 2008, between her numerous Emmy wins, an excellent season of 30 Rock and of course her exacting impression of Gov. Sarah Palin on SNL. If only she could take Baby Mama back.
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Lord knows we don't mention the Washington Wizards basketball team ever (and as a Cleveland Cavs fan, honestly, we're sick of having to see Gilbert Arenas in the playoffs every year), but we found this video funny and thought it was worth mentioning. It was done by Chris Gethard, the NYC-based brother of Philadelphia's Gregg Gethard.
The hope, seemingly, is for Gilbert Arenas to post it on his very popular blog (we mean really popular, dude supposedly invented the athlete blogging idea). No luck so far as Arenas hasn't posted since November, but in the meantime other blogs are chiming in.
Allhiphop.com names it the epic fail of the day: "Gil is going to have to answer a few questions on this."
The sports blog Mr. Irrelevant says: "Disclaimer: While I do possess a gold Arenas jersey and an affinity for the man, I’d prefer that Agent Zero not 'beat my buzzer', thank you very much." Good call on setting the record straight, bro.
And finally, Chris Cooley, tight end for the Washington Redskins football team has has linked to the video (the football fans out there may remember this): "This guy wants Gilbert to blog about him...even if Gil doesn't I'm glad that we did."
So pass along the video if you can, so that Gethard can achieve his dream of a night with Gilbert Arenas. Hibachi!
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BY NOLAN GILBRIDE, COMIC VS. AUDIENCE TIMES Chalfont, PA – Jacob Winters, 53, has filed suit against God for destruction of property.
This past summer a torrential rain flooded Winters’ basement. Several boxes of valuables were damaged in the flood.
“I lost my high school diploma, VHS movie collection, and autographed Hal Holbrook headshot,” Winters said.
Winters believes God has to take responsibility for his actions.
“If I was at fault in a car accident, I would be responsible for fixing the other guys bumper. I don’t see how God’s exempt from that kind of thing.”
Winters recently moved into the house on Linden Ave this past year. The previous tenants, Mr. and Mrs. Frank Able, informed Winters the basement had not flooded in their tenure despite several storms of a similar nature.
Winters believes that God has a personal vendetta against him.
“Well, the Sunday before the storm, I was late for church and was unable to sit in the front row. I suspect that God didn’t see me and assumed I did not attend.”
Winters gave further evidence for the vendetta, stating God intervened in the outcome of Super Bowl XLI because he missed church that Sunday and illegally bet on the New England Patriots.
Winters contends David Tyree’s acrobatic and improbable catch that propelled the New York Giants over the Patriots was an act of God.
It isn’t the first time God has been sued. Marshal Chuck LaMar has served several summonses in his career to God.
“Serving a summons to God is the easiest summons to serve.” LaMar said. “Since God is omnipresent I don’t have to leave my office.”
The valuables that were destroyed were placed in boxes on a folding table against the southeastern corner of the basement. When Winters discovered his basement had flooded the next morning, he surveyed the walls of the basement, walking through water up to his ankles.
A large crack was found along the southeastern corner and water stains visibly run down the wall. A pool of water collected on the folding table, seeped through the boxes and ruined photos of Winters graduations, birthdays, and wedding. Several other boxes were underneath the folding table.
“God knows I’m no Rockefeller and that these memories can’t be relived. I’m just asking for money to fix my basement so I can avoid this happening again.”
Many lawyers believe Winters case is difficult to win. It is believed that several district court judges are devout.
This mix is for a widow who you had a crush and have been the "best friend" of since high school, secretly longing for her during the entire length of the marriage. Give it to her at the funeral. That's imperative. Let's dissect the first side of the tape:
1. The B-52s - "Deadbeat Club"
I believe you should always start off poppy, even in this case. The widow will have had her fill of mourning the second she presses play on your tape. Because you get it -- the situation, her, and the long, painful death her husband experienced mangled inside a mini-cooper smashed against a tree. Believe you me, she'll thank you in many ways for that smile from the first song. Probably through sex acts… or in my case, a torso crushing hug and a good long cry of never-ending pain into my brand new Dolce & Gabbana shirt I purchased for the after-funeral party. A bonus is the B-52s mention the Question Mark & The Mysterians' classic song "96 Tears", so you'll have a song brought to mind that mentions crying without having to deal with all the shitty production value of the 60s.
2. Primitive Radio Gods - "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand"
Wow. Flashback right? At its peak you could have heard this song on three pop stations at the same time. That's how powerful and great it was. This is where she should get the full release of our sadness out. Because if you clear up all that sad stuff on track two -- you'll have the rest of the mix to tell a very important message… let's move on, hand in hand.
3. INXS - "Never Tear Us Apart"
This song will remind the widow that you have a lifelong bond with her,
never ceasing, never dying. No matter what, be it through dead husband, urinary tract infection, or that one time she lost her cell phone, you've always been there for her. Plus, the dramatic soulfulness of Michael Hutchence's voice may inadvertently remind her of what a sexual deviant her dead husband was.
Plus it's sung from the first person:
I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never tear us apart
This firmly, but romantically, takes her away from possibly thinking this song is about her husband's relationship with her and the possibility of their relationship living on in the after-life. No -- this song is about the mix-maker. I will be there for you Amanda. They can't tear US apart.
4. Elton John - "I Guess That's Why they Call It the Blues"
Nothing better then Elton singing about my most precious moments of love and sadness. This is the most heartfelt song on the playlist, and I feel like sums up a lot of what I am trying to say:
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why
They call it the blues
This is most certainly what she needs. A good romp with you in the sack along with this mix (reminder: this tape could definitely work again for a post-funeral coitus session). By this point, she should have been wooed. You don't even need anymore tracks -- but sometimes (cough-cough Amanda) it takes more then four songs to convince a lady. I mean honestly Mandy, did you listen to the lyrics? If you had, I very much doubt you would visit that guy’s grave nearly as much as you have been lately.
Without me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself
What's better then that?!
Oh, it's at this point I guess it's a good time to remind you to be sure to print out a lyrics sheet with important lines highlighted.
5. Simple Minds - "Alive & Kicking"
End the first side of the tape with something reaffirming, something uplifting. She can't wallow forever -- I mean they were only married for two years and car accidents happen everyday, so her case isn't that unique. It also firmly cements her in your mind as the only thing that can get her out of this depressing quagmire as evident in the following:
What's it gonna take to make a dream survive?
Who's got the touch to calm the storm inside?
Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye
In the final seconds who's gonna save you?
Oh, Alive and Kicking!
The mix-maker is the answer to all these questions -- and this mix should reaffirm that message.
Rob “The Mix Master” Baniewicz is a part of the sketch group Meg & Rob.
Comic Vs Audience is your source for stand-up, sketch, and improv in the city of Philadelphia with news, videos, interviews, photos, and more. You can contact us at comicvsaudience AT gmail DOT com.
Jimmy Pardo is a L.A.-based, Chicago-raised stand-up comedian and host of the widely successful podcast 
