Thursday, March 13, 2008

HOLLYWOULDA, COULDA, SHOULDA: A Guide to Falling Back in Love with Movies" by Chip Chantry

Chip Chantry is a Philadelphia stand-up comedian that opened up for Paul Mooney at Helium Comedy Club last night and will be at Die, Actor, Die on Monday March 24th

It was roughly 2pm when my ear, nose and throat doctor and I showed up to Ewing Elementary's annual school carnival. We were both pretty high, so I don't remember much, other than the fact that it was a crystal clear day, and some of the moms became verbally abusive when Dr. Steve refused to leave the moonbounce when his turn was up.

It wasn't the water ice, face painting, or the DJ repeatedly playing Kelly Clarkson tunes that stuck out in my head. It was something that Dr. Steve said as he stared vacantly into what was left of his funnel cake. "I'd go to the movies now, but there ain't nothin' to see."

I was shocked. First, I couldn't believe that someone who was a medical professional would use a double-negative (even if he was baked out of his mind surrounded by 200 nine-year-olds and a clown that did balloon animals named Jason. And what kind of clown name is "Jason" anyway? He was a pretty shitty clown; he wore khakis, and a golf shirt, and kept yelling at the kids to "knock off the horse-play". But damn, could he twist you up a flamingo.)

The second thing that shocked me about Dr. Steve's lamentation was the realization that I, too, had not seen a good movie in literally years. Hollywood has run out of ideas, and they are simply reheating the old ones. If I see another American Pie sequal, I will vomit. (And not the appealing, sexy kind of "2 Girls, One Cup" vomit either- the gross kind). By my calculations, there will be a United 93 spoof starring Leslie Neilson and the blonde girl with the receding hairline from MAD TV by Thanksgiving of '09.

I can't watch new movies. They're horrible. So I am forced to view the old classics again. You may ask me, "Chip, don't they get stale?" Much like Wawa chocolate milk, NO, they do not. They are as fresh as the first time I watched them. Because now, when I watch movies, I add my own little twist to the viewing experience.

You too can fall in love with your old favorites again, in a brand-new way. You just have to be a little creative. Here are some movie ideas for "Spicing up the Classics".

BIG: As you watch this light-hearted comedy, pretend that Tom Hanks has AIDS, just like in Philadelphia. It's soooo sad that way; a totally different story. You will cry like a baby through the giant keyboard scene.

ET: This is a family favorite- watch it with some youngsters for the first time. When ET dies and the flower wilts toward the end of the film, turn it off. THE END. Those brats don't need to see the last ten minutes.

MR. HOLLAND'S OPUS: Turn this into a drinking game. Do a shot of Jager every time Mr. Holland resents his son for being deaf.

ANNIE: Throughout the whole movie, nervously anticipate the "rape scene". When it doesn't actually happen, you will feel richer than Daddy Warbucks.

TURNER AND HOOCH: Invite a bunch of buddies over to watch this film on mute, while playing Paula Abdul's Forever Your Girl album. It doesn't sync up, and your buddies will be PISSED for sitting through it. Score!

THE FULL MONTY: Watch this movie with your grandmother and some aunts. Every ten minutes throughout the film, proclaim to the room that you "Wanna see some COCK!"

THE SANDLOT: Watch this movie with Nana and the aunts a few days later. Again, let 'em know that you "Wanna see some COCK!"

GOONIES: Just watch this movie over and over. It never gets old.

Sometimes, watching a movie the conventional way is boring. Try watching some classic movies backward. Set the DVD to the end, and hit rewind. The plots change completely:

JAWS: This Peter Benchley classic, while viewed backward, tells the sad tale of a bulimic shark.

LA BAMBA: Watch this in reverse, and you will see the story of a young man who is in a plane crash, and it turns him MEXICAN!!

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S: Backward, you watch a Jew and some spaz who dated Molly Ringwald bring a guy back to life by humorlessly schlepping him around town for a couple of days.

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II: Same Jew, same spaz. He's still dead at the end though.

MY DINNER WITH ANDRE: Those crazy fuckers have dessert first!

DUMB AND DUMBER: Harry and Lloyd prove that they truly are idiots, because they leave Aspen for Rhode fucking Island.

Movies, no matter how old, can be brought back to life with a little imagination, creativity, and personal flair. I hope the same can be said about Patrick Swayze.

*Look out for Chip's next column when he attends the annual Sadie Hawkins Dance, sponsored by Bucks County's Malignant Tumor Society.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

That thing you did with Turner and Hooch? I did that once by accident, and it was funny. Funny 'cuz it's true, Chipper. You have a keen eye for the human comedy.

Anonymous said...

The human comedy? Turner and Hooch is a Canine Comedy, you SON OF A BITCH!

How DARE you!

Anonymous said...

There's a human and a canine in that comedy, and you need to calm down.

Perhaps you didn't notice my screen name: Pruneface. Yes, THAT Pruneface. The Dick Tracy villain.

Don't trifle with me, Chantry. I'll go prune on your ass.