DEAF COMEDY JAMZ: "Don't Stop Believin'" is America's New National Anthem by Gregg Gethard

Journey’s smash hit “Don’t Stop Believin’” has once again become ubiquitous in American pop culture. The song is beloved and near-inescapable. It is played at sporting events around the world. It is sung at karaoke bars throughout the nation. And, shockingly, if Wikipedia is to be believed it is the most downloaded song of the 20th Century on iTunes.

So, how did “Don’t Stop Believin’” become America’s New National Anthem? Here’s a timeline of how this came to pass:

January 22, 1949
As told in the prophecies, Steve Perry is born. He is immediately drawn to the world of music, developing both his “pipes” and his “chops” from day one.

January 22, 1969
At his 20th birthday party, Steve Perry’s mom presents him with a chain adorned with a music note charm. Steve Perry holds the necklace up to the fluorescent light and poetically stares at it for several seconds, symbolically letting his fellow Ground Round patrons that one day he would be a prominent male vocalist.

March 3, 1972
Steve Perry thinks about giving up his dreams of becoming a prominent male vocalist in order to do what’s really important, and that’s put his family first. However, his mother, who grew up during the Dust Bowl, tells Steve that what’s really important is for him to chase his dreams. That what’s really important is that he “don’t stop believing” in what he was put here on earth to do. Immediately afterwards, his mom dies after her forehead explodes.

October 28, 1977
After several months of trying to incorporate himself into Journey, Steve Perry finds himself at a crossroads. Keyboardist Gregg Rollie is in full support of Perry becoming the band’s new singer. However, guitarist Neal Schon does not trust “the new guy.” But all is forgiven when Steve Perry makes his on-stage debut with Journey. Fans are impressed and Schon also is given a HJ by an adoring teenage runaway. He fully accepts Perry into the band and, the next day, hugs the lead singer and weeps forgiving tears on his shoulder.

June 14th, 1980
When in the recording studio, Steve Perry has a sit down meeting with his fellow band mates about the direction of a new song he’s been working on.

“You know, I think we’ve done some good work in the power ballad community,” Perry said. “But we need to do something else. We need to right an up-tempo, toe-tapping number. And it needs to have a positive message about sticking to your guns no matter what. About being true to who you are. And it should also be told through the prism of a relationship between a male resident of South Detroit and a small-town girl who decide to become hobos and ride midnight trains with no seeming destination in mind.”

The band agreed to write such a song.

“Also, guys, one more thing. I’d like for us to write a song about the dangers of advanced gum diseases. Thousands of people a year are affected by gum rot and other various gum-related ailments.”

The band did not agree to write such a song.

July 31, 1981
Journey’s E5C4P3 (pronounced “Escape”) album is released to an unsuspecting America. 7/31/81 would become the most infamous date in American history and nothing would ever, ever change that fact.

October 14th, 1981
“Don’t Stop Believin’” is released as a single. It quickly gains momentum and rises up the charts, peaking at #9 on Billboard’s Hot 100 charts.

November 17th, 1981
Fair Lawn, NJ teenagers Kyle Overbrook and Shawnette Stevenson make out in Kyle’s 1973 Buick Skylark. “Don’t Stop Believin’” plays on local rock station WDHA (“The New Jersey Rock Which Never Stops”) and Kyle begins to finger Shawnette. Initially she tells him to stop, but Kyle tells her that he is in love with her. She relents and enjoys digital penetration.

November 18th, 1981
Fair Lawn, NJ teenagers Kyle Overbrook and Shawnette Stevenson have a violent breakup in the south hallway of their high school. Their relationship ended after Kyle wrote “Shawnette’s a slut who let me finger her” on a bathroom wall. Shawnette’s half-brother informed her of the graffiti, which led her to tears. To this day, she still has trust issues.

December 14th, 1981
“Don’t Stop Believin’” is played for the first time at a sporting event. The 3,059 people at the Kansas City Kings/Atlanta Hawks game do not respond.

March 19th, 1982
Fair Lawn, NJ teenager Kyle Overbrook has felt awful for months on how he treated Shawnette Stevenson, who, up until this point, is the only girl he ever fingered. Right before the AP U.S. History I class they share, he hands her a mix tape along with an overly sappy, apologetic love letter. Both the mix tape AND the letter are entitled “Don’t Stop Believin’… IN US.”

March 20th, 1982
Fair Lawn, NJ teenagers Kyle Overbrook and Shawnette Stevenson once again have a heavy petting session in Kyle’s 1973 Buick Skylark. And, once again, “Don’t Stop Believin’” plays over WDHA’s airwaves. Just as Kyle is about to finger Shawnette again, she breaks down sopping and asks Kyle to stop. He doesn’t at first, but then recalls the serious lesson in his health class of how “no means no!”

May 12th, 1982
Weeks earlier, Fair Lawn, NJ teenager Kyle Overbrook asked Shawnette Stevenson to the prom, with the theme of “Don’t Stop Believin.” She said yes, despite their weeks of shared awkwardness. Before prom night, Kyle got drunk on Cisco wine with “Ricky J. and the boys.” Shawnette was upset with him, yet still made out with him post-prom. Just as Kyle was about to finally finger her for the second time, he vomited on her legs and passed out drunk. However, he still insisted on driving both he and Shawnette home.

June 28th, 1982
Fair Lawn High School stages its graduation. Kyle, unsure of his plans, stays at home with his parents and takes a job “sheetrocking” for his uncle’s construction firm. Shawnette decides to attend Ramapo State College. Their relationship, for all intents and purposes, is over.

October 11th, 1982
On the one year anniversary of its release as a single, rock station WDHA takes “Don’t Stop Believin’” out of heavy rotation.

July 19th, 1986
Journey embarks on their “Raised on Radio” tour. The tour begins at the Cow Palace in San Francisco, CA. They end their set with “Don’t Stop Believin’.” However, an indifferent crowd mostly leaves before the encore. Guitarist Neal Schon blames “Don’t Stop Believin’” as the reason. He successfully manages to convince his fellow band members to no longer play their one-time smash hit.

February 19th, 1990
Evergreen State College radio DJ Samantha Kay-Ricardo is struggling with the sound board as she plays an entire set of Beat Happening songs. The only single available to her is Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.” She plays it and, in the process, invents irony. Many Olympia-area hipsters respond well to the song and it is featured at several parties in the following weeks. However, it is soon once again forgotten.

May 19th, 1996
Bear, DE native Jason Kratkowowitz sings “Don’t Stop Believin’” at an area karaoke night. Two patrons say, out loud, “Hey, I fondly remember that song!” They join him. “Don’t Stop Believin’” quickly becomes a karaoke favorite in the Bear, DE metropolitan area, foreshadowing what was to become a nationwide sensation only years later.

June 12th, 1998
To commemorate their Stanley Cup victory, the Detroit Red Wings entitle their celebratory VHS release “Don’t Stop Believin’.” It features slo-mo clips of star Steve Yzerman poetically skating. A total of 1,095 people purchase the tape, which is promptly placed in dollar stores throughout North America.

Novermber 25th, 2001
Recent divorcee Shawnette Stevenson, now employed as a district manager for Acme food stores, attends her 20th high school reunion. Kyle Overbrook, single and still “sheetrockin’” for a living, can’t stomach attending this event.

September 9th, 2003
On a very special episode of The O.C., poor adoptee “Ryan” and rich indie-rock geek heartthrob “Seth” have a philosophical discussion about the impact of Journey in American pop culture. Seth enjoys the band in a smirking fashion. Ryan, with his blue collar shot’n’beer background, truly enjoys the song. This bonding moment between them is the first documented moment where “Don’t Stop Believin’” is used to bridge the gap caused by American class conflict.

July 19th, 2005
Chicago White Sox catcher/dickweed A.J. Pierzynski mentions in post-game remarks how much he loves “Don’t Stop Believin’” as a song. It becomes the rallying cry for the surprising White Sox team, who go on to win the World Series. This, unfortunately, results in manager Ozzie Guillen appearing on every episode of SportsCenter from this date until darkened eternity.

October 14th, 2006
Gregg Gethard and Ilana Heilweil exchange nuptials. During their reception, after Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone” was played, the DJ moves into “Don’t Stop Believin’.” All in attendance dance to this song and shout every word. Comedian and pop culture maven Gregg Gethard would now refer to “Don’t Stop Believin’” as “The New National Anthem.” He would then go on to repeat this phrase every single time he hears this song, thus very much annoying his wife and friends alike.

August 4th, 2007
For a record 305th straight week, “Don’t Stop Beleivin’” is performed at a Bear, DE-area karaoke bar, proving the song has once again caught on with the masses.

June 12th, 2008
2-time divorcee Shawnette Stevenson quickly returns home to Fair Lawn after her autistic step-sister is hit by a motorcycle. Once she learns her sister will heal from her broken pelvis, Shawnette decides to head to a local bar. From across the venue, Kyle Overbrook stares at her with a mixture of longing and violence in his eyes. Finally, after encouragement from “Ricky J. and the boys,” Overbrook heads to the jukebox and plays “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Shawnette sees Kyle, and they strike up a conversation. One thing leads to another and then Kyle, finally, gets a second chance to finger Shawnette, this time behind the bar pool table.

Novermber 7th, 2008
Shawnette Stevenson and Kyle Overbrook get married. Their wedding song is “Oh Sherry.”

Listen to “Don't Stop Believin'” by Journey:

Gregg Gethard is a Philadelphia-based comedian, writer and host of the monthly comedy show BEDTIME STORIES.

PREVIOUSLY ON DEAF COMEDY JAMZ:
A Film Adaptation of Thin Lizzy's Jailbreak by Dave Walk
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Don't Take Our Songs So Seriously by Dave Walk
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DEAF COMEDY JAMZ: A Film Adaptation Of Thin Lizzy’s Jailbreak by Dave Walk

No joke, Thin Lizzy is one of my favorite bands. You may only know them for “The Boys Are Back In Town”, but I consider them one of the greatest rock and roll bands ever with a dynamic singer, incredible duel/dual guitar solos and overall well-written songs. Whatever, you can’t dissuade me from this.

Being that they are one of my favorite bands, their best album, 1976’s Jailbreak ranks as one of my favorite albums of all-time. I’ve often thought that it would make a great action movie, being that it is actually a concept album. As explained on the back of the original LP:

“DIMENSION 5 was now in the hands of the Overmaster, whose lust for ultimate power had become an obsession. Religion and media were all under his control and computer files were kept on all known living persons within the city zones…”

The following is a song-by-song description of my imaginary Jailbreak movie, based off of the original lyrics. It can never actually be made considering its star, the singer and mastermind of Thin Lizzy, Phil Lynott, has been dead since 1986. Nevertheless, it celebrates the rock & roll, justice and women of Thin Lizzy.

The movie fades in on the Maximum Security Detention Center where Thin Lizzy is being held captive as the song “Jailbreak” begins. Everyone is dressed in drab prison garb except for the old, deranged man with a long beard that is only wearing rags. Anyway, desperately trying to escape, lead singer and bassist Phil Lynott finally sneaks out of his cell and during the first chorus attacks a guard, taking his keys to the other cells. By the second chorus the prisoners of the jail are set free and let loose on the building. During the guitar breakdown, lead guitarist Brian Robertson is seen slowly and delicately connecting the wires to detonate a bomb (“easy, easy”, he says with fingers trembling). The band is seen fleeing the guards as all hell breaks loose and sirens wail (“break out!”) and the music temporarily stops as…the bomb finally detonates! Outside, Thin Lizzy aren’t free yet, but Lynott (who takes time out to admire a good-lookin’ female), Gorham, Downey and Robertson defeat all of the guards in the final chorus and escape to the city zones – asthe most dangerous criminals in all of DIMENSION 5! The guitars ring out and the song ends on the burning remains of the prison.

As legend has it (ie., back of the album), all prisoners were eventually captured, "except four, who made it to the Rampic Buildings on the south side of the city. It was in these buildings that they broadcast and recorded selected material, some of which still survives today. Through these recordings they built up a following who eventually took to the streets in what was to become the Final War."

Listen to “Jailbreak”:

Before the next song, “Angel From The Coast” begins, the words “ONE YEAR LATER” appear on the screen. Now free, we join the band as they continue their guerrilla warfare against the evil, fascist DIMENSION 5 government. In a highly explosive and dangerous battle, the band seems to finally be defeated. But then, out of nowhere appears a mysterious female warrior that takes out the facist overlords left and right, saving Thin Lizzy in the end:

And the cops, they came like lightning
The bullets flew astray
And the noise, it was frightening
But the crook, he got away

Obviously, in case you weren’t paying attention, “the crook” is our hero Phil Lynott and the rest of the band.

As “Running Back” begins, we learn that Phil Lynott and the mysterious female warrior have become lovers. Accompanied by a sweet keyboard lick, we realize that this is a little more light-hearted portion of the film. Hey, even a revolutionary needs love, right? But soon enough we see the couple fighting and the mysterious warrior eventually throws Phil out of her apartment, slamming the door in his face. With nowhere else to go, Phil takes to the cold streets of DIMENSION 5. As he walks, he sings the song to the camera (there is a street performer playing saxophone for the saxophone riff, man this is an awesome song):

If I said I was sorry
Would you still leave me?
I never thought you’d go till you did
Believe me

Listen to “Running Back” :

Interspersed are shots of Phil trying to find enjoyment in other activities, like playing with the band (awesome shots of the guitar solo) and hanging out in pubs, but nothing satisfies him like the female warrior did. Meanwhile, she is going through the same problem, meeting stupid blokes in bars and rolling her eyes as they give her no satisfaction. During the last chorus, Phil finally breaks down and runs back to the girl's flat (Thin Lizzy were Irish), but she isn’t there.

The next song, “Romeo and the Lonely Girl” is a continuation of this theme, but with flashbacks of Phil and the female warrior together. Near the end, Phil runs back to her place as before (Oh poor Romeo / Sitting out on his own-ee-o- actual lyrics) – this time she is home and they embrace. Turns out she was lonely the whole time as well! Oh by the way, there’s another amazing guitar solo in this song. Seriously, why aren’t you listening to this album right now?

Listen to “Romeo and the Lonely Girl”:

With the crucial relationship between Lynott and his lady intact, the battle goes on between the rebels and the Overmaster’s band of thugs in “Warriors”. Through a series of action montages, we see the comrades fight the fascist regime:

I am a messenger
The message here, you must know
I am the warrior
I deliver the fatal blow
So fate will have to wait
Till time can heal the scar
My heart is ruled by Venus
And my head by Mars

Honestly, I’m not really sure what he’s talking about at the end, but the rest makes sense.

In “The Boys Are Back In Town” we finally see the rock and roll side of Thin Lizzy. This song shows the band out on tour, playing the towns of DIMENSION 5, spreading their virtues of justice and rock & roll. There are, of course, long shots of packed arenas going crazy and close-ups on the classic double guitar solo in the middle of the song. Yep, the boys are back in town and they’re spreading their message of freedom from the tyranny of the overlords of DIMENSION 5. Rally up the troops, The Overmaster must fall!

Brothers fight or fall / It’s man for man and one for all / No more can we crawl / Brothers, brothers hear the call sings Phil in “Fight Or Fall” as he rallies the troops Braveheart-style for the big final battle against the Overmaster.

“Cowboy Song” takes place in a dreary, dark, lonesome rural part of DIMENSION 5 the night before the big, final battle between Thin Lizzy’s rebels and the Overmaster in his fortress. The “Cowboy” is Phil looking back on his struggles and everything else that got him to this point. It is an introspective side to the film, but there are also shots of the band playing alone in the desert, amps and all (not plugged in), especially during the guitar parts. Even great leaders have self-doubt, and here, Lynott questions if he is really ready for the Final War. Even in this moment of clarity, he can’t stop thinking of his woman (Lord, Im just thinking about a certain female), who has unfortunately died of a fever just days before.

Later in this song, Lynott sings about working on the rodeo in Mexico. Just forget this part.

Listen to “Cowboy Song”:

“Emerald” is the last song and the climax of the entire film. The battle between the rebels and the evil regime rages on throughout the song:

Down from the glen came the marching men
With their shields and their swords
To fight the fight they believed to be right
Overthrow the overlords

Listen to “Emerald”:

The battle intensifies during the extended instrumental freakout portion. As it nears the end, Phil Lynott breaks into the Overmaster’s secret bunker, kills the evil master and disengages the emerald that has taken hold of the city zones for so long (They had come to claim the emerald / Without it they could not leave).

As the final chords of the song rings out, there is a huge explosion, killing our hero but bringing freedom to all of DIMENSION 5 at last. And with his last breath, Lynott shouts out for his long-lost love.

PREVIOUSLY ON DEAF COMEDY JAMZ:
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Don't Take Our Songs So Seriously by Dave Walk
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DEAF COMEDY JAMZ: Retro Retro by Chip Chantry

Duke Ellington famously said, "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing".

That phrase has never been more appropriate in this country than it is right now.

At least for one man.

"It's so money!" proclaims 31-year old insurance adjuster Steve Gruben, referring to the 1998 Big Bad Voodoo Daddy hit "You and Me and the Bottle Makes Three Tonight (Baby)".

Listen to "You and Me and the Bottle Makes Three Tonight (Baby)":

A decade ago, before 9/11, before Columbine, Hurricane Katrina, or According to Jim, our nation went through a delightful era known by many as the "retro swing" fad. As a backlash to grunge music, and supported by the cult film Swingers, swing music, first popular in the early 20th-century, made a brief comeback. Bands such as Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and fellow swingsters Cherry Poppin' Dadddies had radio hits with songs that were pleasant enough for your grandmother, but hip enough for your frat brothers.

Listen to "Zoot Suit Riot":

"This music is so money- I mean, I played trombone in the jazz band in middle school, and always thought it would be so money if this music came back in style. And now it finally has!", beams Gruben, a plump, baby-faced fireplug of a man.

To many, including Gruben's friends and coworkers, the retro swing movement was a passing fad for about six months in 1998. Apparently, the then-21-year-old junior at Widener University completely missed out on the swing music craze, and is only discovering it now.

"Steve was pretty messed up in '98. His girlfriend from home dumped him for a guy who worked at Best Buy. She was kind of a bitch, but she was hot, and her dad owned a Little Caesars," explained Gruben's fraternity brother Jason Layman.

After the bad break up, Gruben did not get out much for a few months. "He stayed in his dorm, drank vodka and Tang, and watched 'Reservoir Dogs' over and over. I think he missed the whole swing deal. I mean, it was only a couple weeks long, right?"

Now, ten years later, this stout little fellow has turned in his fraternity sweatshirt for a zoot suit. FIVE zoot suits, in fact. "You can't believe the deal I got on these," states Gruben. "And I look SO MONEY, BABY!"

How did a pudgy pencil-pusher like Gruben stumble upon this passing fad a half-generation later?

"I took him to see 'Four Christmases' with Vince Vaughn and John F-something," explains Andrea Balker, Gruben's homely, unkempt, friend-with-benefits. "He thought it was the greatest movie ever. He wanted to know if those two guys ever teamed up before. Then he rented Swingers on NetFlix. He's had it for like a month."

"Swingers is SO MONEY, BABY!" spouts Gruben. "That scene when he meets the hot chick from Bowfinger [Heather Graham] is so fuckin' money! I signed up for swing dancing classes the next day. I wanted to be just like my boy Double-Down!"

Listen to "Dr. Bones":

Since that ship sailed during the Clinton administration, most swing clubs have closed up shop, and the clientele at swing lessons are generally retired couples and boys practicing for their bar mitzvahs.

That hasn't dampened Gruben's spirits. Every month, he hosts a poorly-attended swing night in his mother's basement. "He gets all dolled up anyway," admits Layman. "And it's not a good look for him. He looks like a fat boy dressed as a gangster for Halloween. And he SWEATS! And I think he dances all by himself, when no one's there. I can't decide if it's annoying or just sad."

Though his friends hope that this phase will pass as fast for him as it did for the rest of the country a decade ago, Gruben remains enthusiastic. "Pickin' between Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and Cherry Poppin' Daddies is, like, impossible. There's both SO MONEY!"

"He hasn't even found out about The Brian Setzer Orchestra yet," laments Layman. "With his asthma, I don't think he could take it."

Listen to "Go Daddy-O":

Chip Chantry will be performing with Kent Haines and Tom Rhodes on New Years' Eve at the Helium Comedy Club.

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DEAF COMEDY JAMZ: Mixes for Any Occasion #1 by Rob “The Mix Master” Baniewicz

Widow at the Funeral (Side A)

This mix is for a widow who you had a crush and have been the "best friend" of since high school, secretly longing for her during the entire length of the marriage. Give it to her at the funeral. That's imperative. Let's dissect the first side of the tape:

1. The B-52s - "Deadbeat Club"

I believe you should always start off poppy, even in this case. The widow will have had her fill of mourning the second she presses play on your tape. Because you get it -- the situation, her, and the long, painful death her husband experienced mangled inside a mini-cooper smashed against a tree. Believe you me, she'll thank you in many ways for that smile from the first song. Probably through sex acts… or in my case, a torso crushing hug and a good long cry of never-ending pain into my brand new Dolce & Gabbana shirt I purchased for the after-funeral party. A bonus is the B-52s mention the Question Mark & The Mysterians' classic song "96 Tears", so you'll have a song brought to mind that mentions crying without having to deal with all the shitty production value of the 60s.

2. Primitive Radio Gods - "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand"

Wow. Flashback right? At its peak you could have heard this song on three pop stations at the same time. That's how powerful and great it was. This is where she should get the full release of our sadness out. Because if you clear up all that sad stuff on track two -- you'll have the rest of the mix to tell a very important message… let's move on, hand in hand.

3. INXS - "Never Tear Us Apart"

This song will remind the widow that you have a lifelong bond with her, never ceasing, never dying. No matter what, be it through dead husband, urinary tract infection, or that one time she lost her cell phone, you've always been there for her. Plus, the dramatic soulfulness of Michael Hutchence's voice may inadvertently remind her of what a sexual deviant her dead husband was.

Plus it's sung from the first person:

I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never tear us apart

This firmly, but romantically, takes her away from possibly thinking this song is about her husband's relationship with her and the possibility of their relationship living on in the after-life. No -- this song is about the mix-maker. I will be there for you Amanda. They can't tear US apart.

4. Elton John - "I Guess That's Why they Call It the Blues"

Nothing better then Elton singing about my most precious moments of love and sadness. This is the most heartfelt song on the playlist, and I feel like sums up a lot of what I am trying to say:

Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why
They call it the blues

This is most certainly what she needs. A good romp with you in the sack along with this mix (reminder: this tape could definitely work again for a post-funeral coitus session). By this point, she should have been wooed. You don't even need anymore tracks -- but sometimes (cough-cough Amanda) it takes more then four songs to convince a lady. I mean honestly Mandy, did you listen to the lyrics? If you had, I very much doubt you would visit that guy’s grave nearly as much as you have been lately.

Without me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself

What's better then that?!

Oh, it's at this point I guess it's a good time to remind you to be sure to print out a lyrics sheet with important lines highlighted.

5. Simple Minds - "Alive & Kicking"

End the first side of the tape with something reaffirming, something uplifting. She can't wallow forever -- I mean they were only married for two years and car accidents happen everyday, so her case isn't that unique. It also firmly cements her in your mind as the only thing that can get her out of this depressing quagmire as evident in the following:

What's it gonna take to make a dream survive?
Who's got the touch to calm the storm inside?
Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye
In the final seconds who's gonna save you?
Oh, Alive and Kicking!

The mix-maker is the answer to all these questions -- and this mix should reaffirm that message.

Rob “The Mix Master” Baniewicz is a part of the sketch group Meg & Rob.

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DEAF COMEDY JAMZ: Teen Punks in Heat

DEAF COMEDY JAMZ is a new (hopefully) weekly feature on music.

Here, we analyze the last record by the band Screeching Weasel.

The band I listened to most in middle school and high school was the Ramones, but Screeching Weasel was right behind them. This wasn't surprising at all considering that Screeching Weasel led the late-80s/early 90's Ramones revival movement known as "pop-punk".

Screeching Weasel was started and lead by one Ben Foster, aka "Ben Weasel". He was a Reagan-loving nihilist that wrote for the most important punk rock publication Maximumrocknroll. For this mag he wrote a controversial article about the punk rock "scene" with, if I remember correctly, rules of what was and what wasn't considered punk rock. I can't really look this up because MRR is (or at least used to be) anti-internet. Ben probably wasn't the most qualified person to write such an article, considering that he lived in Chicago, thousands of miles away from the 824 Gilman St. scene that MRR was part of. Also, Screeching Weasel stopped performing live in 1994; it was later learned that Ben Weasel suffered from extreme agoraphobia, eliminating him from part of a "scene".

If you were to compare to him a member of the Ramones, it would definitely be Johnny Ramone due to his love of conservative thought and baseball. His Wikipedia entry is regrettably too small, but it does mention that he is now the host of a weekly radio show for ESPN 1070 in Madison, Wisconsin (where he has lived for the past few years). The entry's writer gets in a subtle jab: "which is a Clear Channel station." Oooohh, burn.

With a nasally voice and a limited range, he was the perfect punk rock singer. And like the Ramones, he knew how to write a melody. Although there were other singers and writers for Screeching Weasel songs, it was always his band. He knew what The Kids (like me) wanted, and it seemed that he even had us in mind when he wrote the lyrics. Later he would start the Panic Button Records label, churning out pop-punk records by other bands that I would love as well. He was the Phil Spector of pop-punk. Or the Dr. Dre of pop-punk if you need something more current. Ok, the Kanye West of pop-punk.

The 8th and 9th-grade years of my life were spent delivering newspapers after school and spending most of the money I made by sending money orders to Lookout! Records for CDs, 7"s, stickers, pins and t-shirts of my favorite pop-punk bands. This was before there was much of an internet so you had to decide on what you were going to buy based off of the small cards that came inside the CDs of other Lookout! releases. These albums were rarely at the mall's music store, and besides, why pay $17.99 when you could just wait a few weeks and get it for $10? Screeching Weasel was the focal point of all of this for me and to this day I pretty much own everything they have ever released.

Yet, Ben Weasel was a hard guy to like and defend. He seemed to revel in being an asshole that a lot of people hated (or so it seemed). He was a famous curmudgeon, inspiring the Queers song "Ben Weasel" (He rants and raves, he screams and shouts / He always flips his lid / But deep down inside / He really loves you kids) and the No Empathy song "Ben Weasel Don't Like It". Reading his articles, I knew I hated Reagan even though I wasn't completely sure why yet. I didn't really like Screeching Weasel because of the lyrics, and the music itself didn't divert much from the same four-chords in different orders. My love for the band didn't make sense. And even though I didn't like him, Ben Weasel was my hero. Looking back on it now, I think he just personified the love/hate of life that I also felt as a bored, internally-rebellious teenager.

Screeching Weasel broke up for real in 1994, but then got back together to put out a few new albums, a Ramones cover album and a rarities album in the late 90s as proteges Green Day broke big. In 1999, the band released Emo, a raw, honest and decidedly not pop-punk album.

And then in 2000 they went back to the old bullshit with Teen Punks in Heat for one last go-around.

By this point I was a senior in high school and was for the most part over Screeching Weasel, but I bought this album anyway. Ben Weasel was doing everything in the band now: he sang all of the songs and wrote all of the music. He was backed by his trusty sidekick "Jughead" on guitar and essentially punk rock session players in drummer Dan Lumley, bassist/producer Mass Giorgini and guitarist Philip Hill (quick side note: it's hard to digest that there were punk rock session players, but these guys pretty much were).

And when the album isn't being ridiculous and embarrassing (like in "Erection": erection, erection it's hard / erection, erection oh god!) it can't seem to get away from the past and the victorious days of pop-punk yore that were diminishing with every passing day. Weasel was preoccupied with either regret ("Pauline", "The Edge of the World", "Things Seem All Fucked Up Today"), revenge ("You're Sorry Now", "21 Months") or how the kids sucked now. The standout song for the latter subject is "You're The Enemy". The song starts with Weasel sarcastically yelping "this one's for the kids!" and then as the music kicks in: I stand here bored and look at you / Clapping like monkeys in the zoo. He was essentially trashing the lame Oi! kids depicted on the cover; the song was the sonic equivalent of the guys in the hazmat suits annihilating them.

But the next song is the turning point in the album: "I Wanna Fuck". Played at the speed and aggressiveness of so many lame Casualties songs that he mocked in "You're The Enemy", as if to say, "we can do this too," Weasel sings about how much he wants to have sex: I wanna sweat, I wanna scream, I wanna make you my wet dream come true. How much do you want to copulate, Ben? I wanna fucking overdose on pussy. Well, then.

Listen to "I Wanna Fuck":

It's the strangest Screeching Weasel song ever. Where do you go from there? Nowhere but potentially the most punk rock lyrics ever in "Message in a Beer Bottle":

I've got a message for you: I've done okay in spite of you
I've got a message for you: I did the things you said not to do
I've got a message for you: I never saw your point of view
I've got a message for you: F - U - C - K - Y - O - U
I've got a message for you: I fucked it up and I still turned out okay and I'm happy being everything you hate
I'm still walking like a jerk out in the rain
I still wake up with a smile on my face

Listen to "Message in a Beer Bottle":

Seriously, what is more punk rock than that? Yeah yeah, scream about drugs and hating the government, to which I reply: snooze! But to reject everyone, even the person listening to the song? Well, ok, you've trumped me there.

The album fades after this and when it was over, Screeching Weasel ceased to exist. A bunch of their albums were re-released on Asian Man Records (did you know The Queers are still making new music?!?) a few years ago and another greatest hits compilation may have been released as well. And since Teen Punks In Heat, Ben Weasel seems to have mellowed out as well. He's got a digital-download only record label, he does the aforementioned radio show and he Twitters. It seems like he's embracing technology and living a more relaxed life.

And ultimately, I still love him. So Ben, if you're reading this, know that I don't hate you. I just bought your new album and the third Riverdales album on iTunes, I plan on digesting the last year of your radio show over the next few weeks and maybe I'll even read your book Like Hell. And I can't stop listening to Teen Punks In Heat. -Dave Walk
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DEAF COMEDY JAMZ: Don't Take Our Songs So Seriously

DEAF COMEDY JAMZ is a new (hopefully) weekly feature on music. Here, Mike from the hardcore trio CHAOS CITY addresses their fans.

Hey guys,

Mike from CHAOS CITY here. Just wanted to give you a quick update on our awesome tour with THE MAGIC KILLERS. We're kickin' ass all over the West Coast and making our way to The East where we will destroy there as well. It's been a legendary tour of sex, drugs and awesome vegan burritos (check out The Barrio in El Paso). Anyway, I wanted to address something that has been happening at our shows lately....

Last night in Sioux City was the last straw. I love you guys (the REAL fans), but you have to stop tearing apart our equipment when we play our song "Destroy Shit". We know it's a heavy song and it's awesome that you love it, but dude, that stuff isn't cheap. I mean, our album is selling well (thanks to you, again, the REAL fans), but we want to start turning a profit here and we can't do that if we've got to replace amps and guitars almost every other show. So please, I'm begging you, keep it under control during that killer breakdown part in the middle.

Also, please don't take our epic song "Steal Everything You Can" so seriously. After a show last week in Boulder, Colorado, we returned to our van to see that someone had stolen the gas! I mean, come on! There wasn't a drop left in the tank to start El Diablo up, so we had to walk for a few hours until we found a gas station. Luckily we didn't have to worry about our equipment getting stolen because it was all broken anyway, but still, jesus, you guys live out in the middle of nowhere (thanks for coming out though!). Plus, gas isn't cheap- we don't have of those cooking oil hippie van things.

Seriously, why would someone do this? What, you don't want us to perform for our fans in other parts of the country? That van is the only way that we can get from gig to gig. It's flattering that you would want us to stay in your town another night, but we've got to keep moving on to the next town we are going to conquer!

FINALLY- one last request. Please, please don't attack our roadie Jerry during "Kill The Bald Guy." In Boise a few weeks ago he got nailed pretty hard and had to get 17 stitches in at the local hospital. Here's the thing- we had to pay for those hospital costs out of pocket. We can't afford full health insurance for Jerry and god knows he can't pay for it himself with the drinkin' and druggin' and all (which has actually helped him deal with the pain from his busted up knee when he got assaulted at the Carson City show at the beginning of the tour). He can keep it together for most of the day, but not when he's lying in a pool of his own blood on the floor.

Honestly, you guys take our songs way too seriously. If you listened closely to the lyrics (we put them in the liner notes of each CD for a reason), you'd notice that the songs are metaphors for the current state of our country: this Administration, Fascists (who we are staunchly against) and anything that has to do with The Man. Except for "Let's Have Sex." That one is pretty obvious. -Dave Walk
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DEAF COMEDY JAMZ: A Sh*tty Taste: Tiny Tim & Brave Combo's "Girl"

DEAF COMEDY JAMZ is a new (hopefully) weekly feature on music. First up is Rob Baniewicz of the sketch group Meg & Rob.

Franklin Mills Mall had "The Wall." Actually, it had two; one on each end of the mile-long stretch. The "used" bin was where I honed my music taste as a grade/high schooler. I was exceptionally cheap, even as a kid, and it was useless for me to buy nice things. With CDs, I'd undoubtedly scratch them minutes after their purchase, rendering the discs unplayable and worthless. To compensate, I bought a lot of used albums. But you see, in order for a CD to deserve a spot in the "used" bin, it had to have been found unfit for aural delight and discarded by the original purchaser. This is where I picked up my shitty taste in music. And this is why I have a copy of Tiny Tim & Brave Combo's "Girl".

While my friends scoured over used bins looking for copies of Pearl Jam's "Vitalogy" and Live's "Throwing Copper", I sought after albums I could buy in jest. When I found the Tiny Tim & Brave Combo album, I didn't even look on the back for the song list. I knew Tiny Tim from Tiptoe (Through the Tulips) and I knew that he had been married on the Tonight Show....but I had no knowledge of the music contained within his CD. I only knew that the album would be played once, laughed at, and discarded next to my stack of David Lee Roth post-VH outputs. At least that was the plan. Until I fell in love with how terribly genuine the album was.

Tiny Tim was a late 60s novelty act. A guy who would be considered an early predecessor to William Hung. Upon listening to the album, I found myself in an alternate world (think Sliders) where Tiny Tim was never a joke and "Girl" existed as his Greatest Hits. Songs I once knew as classics became unrecognizable, yet mesmerizing in the hands of this band. It was no longer a Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Sinatra or Garland cover; Tiny Tim became the first singer of these songs and no other versions existed. The tracks are infused with such obsessive mania that Brave Combo seems to acts merely as the house band, keeping Tiny Tim in his seat and on his meds.

Some of the highlights of this album include the title track "Girl", a Beatles tune, reimagined as if Jabba the Hutt was singing to Slave Leia. There's a creepy, disgusting genuine croon to his love, yet something demented is inherently contained within. "Bye Bye Blackbird" is also a favorite, the beautiful longing of Joe Cocker and Nina Simone noticibly absent. Instead, the song is strangely hopeful. In "Stairway to Heaven," Tiny Tim seems to mimic the sounds of a piano bar in Twin Peaks with his warbily cover jauntily sleazing it's way along.

Listen to "Stairway To Heaven":

The true gem of the album is his cover of the Beatles' "Hey Jude". The track begins in the ether, with weird moans coming out of nowhere before exploding into a robust cha-cha. Immediately the failures of the Bee Gees' Sgt. Peppers' film redux come to mind but soon you're transported away into not thinking of much at all. This isn't meant to be a serious cover - but it's not a parody either. It's in this regard that Tiny Tim transcends the point of a cover because there's no attempt from the beginning at a reverent reimagining. Instead you have an outsider doing exactly what he wants with music he apparently cares little about being true to.

Listen to "Hey Jude":

In an age where Daniel Johnston gets a documentary and NYC art show and Henry Darger gets documentary treatment, my shitty taste in music unearthed an outsider among outsiders. It's amazing to think how Tiny Tim might have been a shooting indie darling had he not been so prevalent in the beginning. Due to the fact he got his fifteen minutes, no one wants to champion him to the public. Which is kinda sad when I think about it. But then I'll turn on 'That Sly Cigarette', a reinterpretation of an old timey song from 1898, where Tiny Tim goes off on a tangent about how the cigarette is misunderstood just because it gives you cancer, and I think to myself... maybe he wanted it that way.
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