"My Apartment Is Small" by Todd Mackenberg

Comic Vs. Audience is very proud to present a piece by the very funny New York City comedian Todd Mackenberg. Although this is in no way related to Philadelphia, it gives us a unique take on life as a comedian in the Big Apple. Enjoy!

I moved to New York a few years ago to do comedy and so far it's been great. There's a great scene with a lot of funny and encouraging people and there's never a shortage of shows. And who knows, there's a chance that industry will be at any show! Yep, I've got to say, living here is pretty good. Except for one problem...

Ladies and Gentleman, my apartment is very small.

My apartment is so small that I can't order an extra large pizza because it's just too big. Hey, at least it keeps me in shape, right?

My apartment is so small that I've got a pet...termite. His name is "Biggie Smalls" because he represents Brooklyn well.

My apartment is so small that it sometimes affects my personal life. First off, let's talk about the ladies. I bring a lot of ladies back to my place (they love my sense of humor), but we always have to do it doggie-style, which I honestly hate. But unfortunately, because my apartment is so small, it's the only position that is remotely possible. And even then my ass gets cut up from rubbing against the wall.

And forget about having people over for a party. Rule #1: if you're over 200 pounds, you won't be able to fit in my apartment. Sorry, there just isn't enough room for that sort of girth. Sadly, D&D marathons never seem to happen at my place.

I didn't always live this way. I'm originally from Omaha, Nebraska and the backyard where I grew up seemed to go on for miles and miles. You could lay amongst the corn fields all night, admiring the stars. During the summer, a few friends and I would grab our marshmallows, chocolate and other s'mores ingredients and laugh the night away. I sometimes think that I developed my unique sense of humor on those nights with Stan, Jimmy Jr. and Pappy. We would just laugh our asses off in that tent.

Man, I wish I lived in a tent now.

My apartment is so small that I can't watch The Godfather on TV. The breadth of that trilogy is just too large for my apartment.

It can be depressing sometimes to tell you the truth. It can lead me to drink, but I can never get drunk off of the tiny schnapps bottles I keep in my tiny cooler.

Seriously folks...

Let me break it down for you so that you can really understand how small my apartment is. If I were to draw the layout of my apartment on a napkin, it would be at 1:1 scale. That's how small my apartment is.

The tile in my bathroom is made up of pennies. Total coat: $.50.

Did I mention that my apartment is really small? No seriously, anyone got a sublet?

Todd will be performing at the Cafe Au Go Go (152 Bleecker St.) this evening at 9PM.