HOLLYWOULDA, COULDA, SHOULDA: A Guide to Falling Back in Love with Movies" by Chip Chantry

Chip Chantry is a Philadelphia stand-up comedian that opened up for Paul Mooney at Helium Comedy Club last night and will be at Die, Actor, Die on Monday March 24th


It was roughly 2pm when my ear, nose and throat doctor and I showed up to Ewing Elementary's annual school carnival. We were both pretty high, so I don't remember much, other than the fact that it was a crystal clear day, and some of the moms became verbally abusive when Dr. Steve refused to leave the moonbounce when his turn was up.

It wasn't the water ice, face painting, or the DJ repeatedly playing Kelly Clarkson tunes that stuck out in my head. It was something that Dr. Steve said as he stared vacantly into what was left of his funnel cake. "I'd go to the movies now, but there ain't nothin' to see."

I was shocked. First, I couldn't believe that someone who was a medical professional would use a double-negative (even if he was baked out of his mind surrounded by 200 nine-year-olds and a clown that did balloon animals named Jason. And what kind of clown name is "Jason" anyway? He was a pretty shitty clown; he wore khakis, and a golf shirt, and kept yelling at the kids to "knock off the horse-play". But damn, could he twist you up a flamingo.)

The second thing that shocked me about Dr. Steve's lamentation was the realization that I, too, had not seen a good movie in literally years. Hollywood has run out of ideas, and they are simply reheating the old ones. If I see another American Pie sequal, I will vomit. (And not the appealing, sexy kind of "2 Girls, One Cup" vomit either- the gross kind). By my calculations, there will be a United 93 spoof starring Leslie Neilson and the blonde girl with the receding hairline from MAD TV by Thanksgiving of '09.

I can't watch new movies. They're horrible. So I am forced to view the old classics again. You may ask me, "Chip, don't they get stale?" Much like Wawa chocolate milk, NO, they do not. They are as fresh as the first time I watched them. Because now, when I watch movies, I add my own little twist to the viewing experience.

You too can fall in love with your old favorites again, in a brand-new way. You just have to be a little creative. Here are some movie ideas for "Spicing up the Classics".

BIG: As you watch this light-hearted comedy, pretend that Tom Hanks has AIDS, just like in Philadelphia. It's soooo sad that way; a totally different story. You will cry like a baby through the giant keyboard scene.

ET: This is a family favorite- watch it with some youngsters for the first time. When ET dies and the flower wilts toward the end of the film, turn it off. THE END. Those brats don't need to see the last ten minutes.

MR. HOLLAND'S OPUS: Turn this into a drinking game. Do a shot of Jager every time Mr. Holland resents his son for being deaf.

ANNIE: Throughout the whole movie, nervously anticipate the "rape scene". When it doesn't actually happen, you will feel richer than Daddy Warbucks.

TURNER AND HOOCH: Invite a bunch of buddies over to watch this film on mute, while playing Paula Abdul's Forever Your Girl album. It doesn't sync up, and your buddies will be PISSED for sitting through it. Score!

THE FULL MONTY: Watch this movie with your grandmother and some aunts. Every ten minutes throughout the film, proclaim to the room that you "Wanna see some COCK!"

THE SANDLOT: Watch this movie with Nana and the aunts a few days later. Again, let 'em know that you "Wanna see some COCK!"

GOONIES: Just watch this movie over and over. It never gets old.

Sometimes, watching a movie the conventional way is boring. Try watching some classic movies backward. Set the DVD to the end, and hit rewind. The plots change completely:

JAWS: This Peter Benchley classic, while viewed backward, tells the sad tale of a bulimic shark.

LA BAMBA: Watch this in reverse, and you will see the story of a young man who is in a plane crash, and it turns him MEXICAN!!

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S: Backward, you watch a Jew and some spaz who dated Molly Ringwald bring a guy back to life by humorlessly schlepping him around town for a couple of days.

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II: Same Jew, same spaz. He's still dead at the end though.

MY DINNER WITH ANDRE: Those crazy fuckers have dessert first!

DUMB AND DUMBER: Harry and Lloyd prove that they truly are idiots, because they leave Aspen for Rhode fucking Island.

Movies, no matter how old, can be brought back to life with a little imagination, creativity, and personal flair. I hope the same can be said about Patrick Swayze.

*Look out for Chip's next column when he attends the annual Sadie Hawkins Dance, sponsored by Bucks County's Malignant Tumor Society.
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VIDEO: Kent Haines and Aaron Hertzog

Kent Haines (left) and Aaron Hertzog (right) talk about life on the street at Bedtime Stories' "Way Down in the Hole: A Comedy Tribute to 'The Wire'".

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"When Comedy Goes Bad" by Pat House

File Under the At Least You Got A Good Story Dept., from Pat House's Myspace:

Last night I performed at The Townehouse in Media, PA for Riots Comedy. It's a fantastic room with great crowds and a great staff. I've had very good shows there, and I was excited to return.

There was a couple seated up front who were extremely talkative. I had friends and family seated around them, and several of them had told me how loud and distracting they were.

I was the third comedian to go on, and as soon as I get on stage, they're talking. Loudly. I did my opening joke to feel the crowd out, hoping their conversation would by over be the time it was done. It wasn't.

I was polite, (but stern) and I asked them what the chatter was about. "French fries" was the answer. I said "OK, well I'm glad to know that my set is interesting enough that you guys are discussing food during it..." in the hopes to get a few laughs.

I told them they were being distracting and that it's not fair to the crowd because they paid to see a good show and they're making it difficult for me to give them that show.

The husband shoots me this how DARE you look and has the audacity to say to me "Look, it's been a long week..." My blood pressure skyrocketed at the fact that he was justifying them being disruptive and I fired back "I don't fucking care. Eighty people paid to see this show, no one paid to hear you..." To which the crowd applauded, which was great, because they were on my side.

The wife said something to the effect of "We're here every week, we bring people everytime..." I cut her off with weak retort, but I was so heated I didn't even know what to say, and I blurted out "They don't even have shows here every week so you're either high or stupid."

She then picks up the three beer bottles that are in front of her (I think two of them were full) and launches them at right fucking at me, completely covering me in beer. It's all over my shirt, jeans, face, glasses, the wall - everywhere. So I did what I'm sure other people in that situation would do. I immediately pointed directly at her and said:

YOU



FUCKING



CUNT.

Her husband rushes the stage, half pushes me/half punches me in the face, I fly backwards, off the stage, praying to God that I don't go through the window that's behind me. After a little more screaming, they left.

Let me tell you how awkward this makes a comedy show. I tried to make a few jokes about it, to basically re-start the entire show, and somehow after all of that, I still had a pretty decent set.

I think half the crowd were totally turned-off and appalled, thinking that this is how comedy shows are. But I appreciate the other half - the people that hopped back on board and allowed me to carry on.

All in all I don't even know what to think. Maybe I was out of line calling her a cunt, I don't know. But it seems like the appropraite response for when someone hurls glass bottles at you from six feet away. What I do know is that ALL of this stemmed from two people who could not keep their mouths shut during a comedy show.

One thing that was great were the people who came up to me afterwards and said it was 'great' and 'fucking awesome.' One of the waitresses thanked me for getting them to leave. It's great to know that people were on my side for this. I woke up this morning to about 20 emails and myspace messages from audience members and other comedians, so I thank them for that as well.

Who knew that telling jokes and trying to contain an audience would make someone the bad guy?

Oh, and lastly, no, I did not have a joke about a riot and Riots Comedy. I thought of that on the car ride home.
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Comic Vs. Audience is Social Networking!

Our applications have finally gone through and we are social networking! Please become our friends on:

Myspace
Facebook
Comedy Space

Please do so not only because we need the affirmation, but we want to get to know you a little better: who you are, where you're from, and what your favorite books are. Call it market research, but don't think we are creeps or nothin'.

And once you're there, become acquainted (if you aren't already) with all of the great comedians we are "friends" with!

And thanks again for even reading this thing. We couldn't do it without you. Well, we could, but there wouldn't be any point.
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THIS WEEKEND: Comedy!

From "Meg and Rob's new show "These Modern Worlds"

Do you like to laugh? Got a funny bone that needs tickled? Need something entertaining to help you forget how much you hate your job and how you wish you never had to go back there again? Well, luckily there are a bunch of comedy shows this weekend, just for you!

(Know of a show that isn't on here? E-mail us at comicvsaudience AT gmail DOT com)

FRIDAY
- Meg and Rob (picture above) with improv group Traffic Jelly opening at the Shubin Theatre (407 Bainbridge St.), $10.
In "These Modern Worlds" Meg and Rob sell dystopian compilation CDs, take a misguided tour of Philadelphia (complete with venison cheesesteaks), help clueless couples fornicate, and more, all with hilarious results. And here's an interview!
- Then at 10, Improv from Cajones and BWP. Shubin Theatre (407 Bainbridge St.), $10.
- Stand-up comic Robert Kelly is at Helium Comedy Club (2031 Sansom S.t) for two shows, 8 and 10:30, $25.
- The Northeast Comedy Cabaret (11580 Roosevelt Blvd.) has Chris Schlotterer amongst many other comics, 9PM, $15.
- H.B. Sanders at the Laff House, 8:30 and 10:45, $15.
- The N Group have their weekly improv show at the Actors Center (257 N 3rd St.), 8PM, $10.
- Tim Grill, GeorgAnne, and Kent Haines (hosting) at the Chaplins Music Cafein Spring City, 9:30PM, $12.

SATURDAY
- Got kids? The Great Holtzie can entertain your child(ren) with stand-up comedy instead of a clown that will terrify them at Helium Comedy Club, 3PM, $10.
At the Shubin, Cajones with BWP at 8 and then Meg and Rob with Traffic Jelly. at 10.
- Robert Kelly closes his week at Helium Comedy Club (2031 Sansom St.) with two shows, 8 and 10:30, $25.
- If you're looking to get out of the city, Paula Poundstone is at the Dennis Flyer Memorial Theatre in Blackwood, Jersey, 8PM, $27.
- Tim Grill and others are at the Chuckles Comedy Club in Audubon, 9PM, $13
- Lisa Lampanelli is back again, this time at the Tower Theatre, 8PM, $32.50.
- - H.B. Sanders at the Laff House doing three shows (!), 8, 10 and midnight, $15.

SUNDAY
- The Parade of A-Holes: A Benefit Auction for Project H.O.M.E at the Shubin Theatre, 7PM, free & BYOB!
Part comedy show, part benefit auction, The Parade of A-holes will take you on a hilarious trip through your bad dating decisions. In the style of a charity bachelor auction, these eligible and annoying singles (played by a selection of Philly's favorite improvisers and sketch comedians) will be "auctioned" alongside fabulous prize packages. The winning bidder goes home with the prize, not the a-hole, and everyone gets a chance to laugh at some characters everyone's dated but nobody likes. Bonus: It's all for charity! The Parade of A-Holes: Laugh! Bid! WIN!

- And to close it out, Walking Fish Comedy at the Walking Fish Theatre (2509 Frankford Avenue) in Fishtown/New Kensington. Don Montrey, Nolan Gilbride, John Kensil, David James, Jose Vega, and Doogie Horner perform, 8PM, $10 (gets you in and two drink tickets).
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Doug Benson's "I Love Movies" is back!

This time with moving pictures (seems like the perfect fit)!

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Just For Laughs showcase at Helium

The Male Half of Shecky Magazine was in the Just for Laughs showcase at Helium this Tuesday and we're bummed to have missed it. A lot of good comics on that bill...
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TONIGHT: Bedtime Stories – "Way Down in the Hole: A Comedy Tribute To ‘THE WIRE’"

The time has finally come. Tonight at the Shubin Theatre, the Philly Improv Theater presents the Bedtime Stories tribute to ‘The Wire’, which is a benefit for Project H.O.M.E. And then, four days later, ‘The Wire’, the greatest artistic achievement in the history of mankind, ends its five season run.

UPDATE: The show is sold out.

Count us in to the growing group of people that are completely obsessed with the show and prioritize it over more than we probably should in our lives. So to help celebrate this event tonight and the conclusion of this great show, we’ve collected an extensive list of articles, interviews, videos and other stuff to help you get caught up or perhaps to delve deeper into its Baltimore world. NOTE: There are some slight spoilers here depending on how many episodes of this season you’ve seen.

RELATED:
- Our interview with Bedtime Stories’ host Gregg Gethard Part I and II
- Our Bedtime Stories archive

PHILLY CONNECTION
- Is Bill Marimow Playing Jedi Mind Games With The Wire Creator? Or Does He Simply Have No Sense Of Irony?
- New Mayor Mike Nutter loves the show and he wants some Philly citizens to watch the finale with him at City Hall. And Bunk is going to be there!
- Bodie listening to ‘A Prairie Home Companion’ in Philadelphia

ARTICLES
- The first scene of every season encapsulates the themes for that year. Remember how this season began? “The bigger the lie, the more they believe.”
- Series creator David Simon loves newspapers and it’s the reason why he’s slamming them now.
- A very in-depth profile in The New Yorker
- Clark Johnson’s been a great director and really great as Gus this year
- FREAKONOMICS: What Do Real Thugs think of The Wire?
- A real life story that influenced the show: “I don’t have many heroes left,” said David Simon, a former reporter for The Baltimore Sun who co-wrote ‘The Corner’ and created ‘The Wire.’ “Woody Guthrie and Fran, I guess — and I’m not so sure about Woody.”
- The Wire as a movie?
- The Wire’s Suppressed Final Scene
- Can you really wiretap a reporter’s phone?
- Heaven and Here has had some great analysis throughout the season.
- ‘The Wire’ is Barack Obama’s favorite TV show!

INTERVIEWS
- Sportswriters Bill Simmons and Jason Whitlock discuss the show
- The infamous "Fuck The Average Reader" interview with Nick Hornsby for The Believer
- A Wire podcast series!
- Michael K. Williams on, well, some things about Omar
- David Simon explains the homeless murders angle and a few other things
- Amy Ryan briefly discusses her role on the show.
- Andre Royo and Wendell Pierce in The Sound of Young America’s Jesse Thorn’s house!
- Michael Ian Black guest hosted Fair Game and interviewed Andre Royo
- Terry Gross, the host of Fresh Air, is a big fan of the show and has interviewed Michael K. Williams, Clark Johnson and Ed Burns
- Will Rawls Find Love? - the “kinky shit” line in episode 9 was pure gold.

VIDEOS

- The Wire with a Laugh Track
- The Real Colicchio (Baltimore’s Finest) - “Are you from the County or sumthin?”
- A radio interview with a certain young man that does something to a certain well-loved character

COMEDY
- Michael K. Williams on the second season of Human Giant!
- Roommating: Episode 6 – The Wire
- Fan of HBO's 'The Wire' Drops Dead After Forced To Stop Talking About Show by Aaron Hertzog
- Something doesn't matter until The Onion writes about it: TV Critics Admit To Never Having Watched 'The Wire'
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LIVE REVIEW: Chris Rock

Apparently, it’s time for Chris Rock to conquer stand-up comedy again. It’s been four years since his last HBO special “Never Scared” and for about the last year he’s been working on new material for another tour (dubbed “No Apologies”) and another run on HBO. Last week he was at the classy Academy of Music in Philadelphia for three shows.

Comic Mario Joyner started out the evening with a serviceable 20 minutes before pointing out the two turntables behind him and introducing…DJ Jazzy Jeff! Jazzy’s set with MC Skillz got the crowd amped up until Joyner returned to report, “ok, we’re going to take a 20 minute intermission now.”

The end of Jazzy’s set seemed like the perfect time to bring out Rock, but I’m going to assume he knows what he’s doing. And when he came out after a looooong twenty minutes break with his green “CR” logo on the screen, the crowd was again excited and on their feet. After all, it was Chris Rock.

Undoubtedly the audience was familiar with his stage persona: the pacing back and forth with the microphone in one hand and his other hand guiding the cord. And the sermon-like delivery that gets louder and faster as he gets his point across. But he’s not one to ride on reputation. As he told The New York Times recently, “Maybe for about three minutes after I walk onstage, they’re into my résumé. But after that it’s like, ‘What’s he got?’…”

So he makes sure he has good stuff and comes out right with it. He started out by talking about the upcoming election and quickly went through the candidates: John McCain (“Wasn’t McCain too old 10 years ago? I don’t want a president with a bucket list”), Hillary Clinton (“America is ready for a female president. But does it have to be that woman?), Barack Obama (“He’s cool, he doesn’t play up the black thing. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like he realizes that he’s the black candidate. He thinks he can win this thing fair and square”).

From there he went on to big ideas, broad themes and new rules that were relevant and unforced. Like the idea that there’s a difference between a job and a career, and the people with careers need to shut up about it to the people with jobs. Or on the only time that it’s ok for white people to say The N Word, which is destined to be a classic bit. There are plenty of comics that talk about race and gender relations and Rock is the best of them, but it’s his material on class that was most interesting. Like the rule that “the people with the most shit, get to say the least shit. And the people with the least shit get to say the most shit.” He also had some material about Walmart that was a change of pace for him.

While Rock can talk about broad themes, it’s the details that matter and make him funny. He’s got his delivery and timing perfected and not a word is wasted. His material can be silly when you least expect. And even when he talks about tired topics like steroids, Don Imus and prescription drugs, often he’s got a better take than any other comedian out there. He can do it all and he doesn’t overdo any of it.

He did an hour and a half, which will probably be around the length of next HBO special, and by the end the crowd was tired and satisfied. And even though he doesn’t quite manically prowl the stage in front of a 2900-seat theatre as he would for the Madison Square Garden, he puts on a great show. And he can still be powerful even if he doesn’t throw down the mic at the end like he used to.

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TODAY: How to Spend Your (Dirty, Dirty) Money

In which the exchange of monetary sums for entertainment isn't quite what it used to be:

- First, the old-fashioned method of retail. We've said it before and we'll probably say it again: Todd Barry's new album comes out today! Cop it (legally)!

- WFMU is currently in the second week of their annual two-week marathon, and Henry from Chunklet has a surprise for anyone that pledges during The Best Show on WFMU:

As many of you will know, WFMU is without a doubt one of the best radio stations on the planet. We feel so strongly about it that we're releasing an exclusive Patton Oswalt CD-EP entitled "Frankensteins And Gumdrops" which will only be available to people that donate during The Best Show on WFMU either last Tuesday or tomorrow night [Tuesday night] between 8 and 11.

Also! Patton will be appearing on the show tomorrow night to help with the pledge drive along with Ted Leo (of his own Pharmacists fame) and Ben Gibbard (from Death Cab for Cutie/Postal Service). We couldn't even fathom a more legendary collection of folks for Tom's show.

Again, this CD-EP will only be available if you call in and donate during the show, so we can't think of a better incentive to be donating to this incredible listener supported radio station.

- Jimmy Pardo and producer Matt Belknap are making Never Not Funny a paid subscription service. The next season will cost $20 for 26 hour and twenty minute episodes. And for the cheapskates, you can still listen to the first twenty hours for free. We've been listening since the beginning of the second season and are constantly amazed by how funny the two same guys (plus a guest) can be without any format at all.

UPDATE: Pitchforkmedia's got coverage of the Best Show festivities. We pledged $75 to get the fun pack with the comment that we support the podcast and 'The Wire', so listen out for it!
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THIS WEEK: Philly Improv Theater at the Shubin

The Philly Improv Theater's March performances are a fundraiser for Project H.O.M.E., a charity working to end homelessness in Philadelphia.

All performances take place at the Shubin Theater, 407 Bainbridge St., Philadelphia, PA 19147. For tickets, visit the Philly Improv Theater's website.

Monday, March 3
7 p.m. – Tongue & Groove with Illegal Refill. $5.

Wednesday, March 5
8 p.m. – Bedtime Stories: Way Down in the Hole (A Tribute to The Wire). $5.

"It’s time for the funny to start. Hole—a fundraiser for Project H.O.M.E.—is a collection of sketches, videos and improv bits dedicated to the most depressing television show of our time. It’s going to be tough. The drug trade, corruption and murdered kids aren’t the most obvious topics for comedy. But The Wire has a lot of hard-wrought tough-guy dialogue and political demagoguery. In the hands of comedy troupes like the Sixth Borough, Secret Pants and Meg and Rob, it might be pure gold." [PW]

Thursday, March 6
8 p.m. – Theatresports: DCT North vs. Philly. $5.
10 p.m. – CAGEMATCH: Holmes vs. Holmes vs. Homelessness. $5.

Two teams of improvisers take the stage to vie for the audiences affection and the right to return. Given only 25-minutes and a single suggestion from the audience, each group of performers creates an entire show off the top of their heads, before the audience passes judgement via secret ballot.

Friday, March 7
8 p.m. – Meg and Rob with Traffic Jelly. $10.
10 p.m. – Cajones with BWP. $10.

In "These Modern Worlds" Meg and Rob sell dystopian compilation CDs, take a misguided tour of Philadelphia (complete with venison cheesesteaks), help clueless couples fornicate, and more, all with hilarious results.

Saturday, March 8
8 p.m. – Cajones with BWP. $10.
10 p.m. – Meg and Rob with Traffic Jelly. $10.

Sunday, March 9
7 p.m. – The Parade of A-Holes: A Benefit Auction for Project H.O.M.E. Free & BYOB!

Part comedy show, part benefit auction, The Parade of A-holes will take you on a hilarious trip through your bad dating decisions. In the style of a charity bachelor auction, these eligible and annoying singles (played by a selection of Philly's favorite improvisers and sketch comedians) will be "auctioned" alongside fabulous prize packages. The winning bidder goes home with the prize, not the a-hole, and everyone gets a chance to laugh at some characters everyone's dated but nobody likes. Bonus: It's all for charity! The Parade of A-Holes: Laugh! Bid! WIN!
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LITERARY ADVENTURE: Memoirs of a Geisha

Comic Vs. Audience is proud to present, once again, a scintillating bi-weekly column, Literary Adventure, written by bookish gadabout Doogie Horner. Everything written in Literary Adventure has been vigorously fact-checked by a team of ten graduate students, so don't second guess any of the outrageous claims made within.

Arthur Golden's debut novel, Memoirs of a Geisha, made a huge splash upon its publication in 1997, and was made into a crappy film in 2005. (Don't worry, you're not the only person who didn't see it.) The book presents the fictional confessions of one of Japan's most celebrated geishas.

Western readers were enthralled by the strange, foreign tapestry which the memoirs wove. Demure housewives liked it because they got to read about prostitution--but classy, quaint prostitution filled with tea ceremonies. This wasn't really prostitution, because . . . well this was in Japan, and the women wore white face powder and put their hair in buns and wore little silk kimonos. And there were tea ceromonies--oh how there were tea ceremonies!

So where is America's Memoirs of a Geisha?

Is it Jenna Jameson's autobiography, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star? No. Geishas are different than porn stars or hookers. Geishas don't stand in front of boarded up tenaments at three in the morning and yell obscenities as you drive past with the doors locked. Geishas stand in the corner with their head bowed until you ask for more green tea, then pad over quietly on their little wooden sandals. Hell, they even bow to you! They're equal parts servant and sexual objects, and spend more time entertaining visitors at teahouses than doing the dirty mambo.

Could this country duplicate such a combination of class and ass?

I wracked my mind for an answer but found none. I was hungry. I needed some brain food, and nothing makes me feel more smarterer than Jalapeno Poppers. I called up a friend and he dragged me to Hooters. I have never been to a Hooters before because I hate bad, tacky restaurants, and haven't associated breasts with food since I was an infant.

Once inside though, my defenses were quickly breached.

Like a gorilla from the mist, our waitress emerged from a cloud of menthol cigarettes wafting from the smoking section. Her tight white tube top hugged her bulging twin peaks. Her orange running shorts shimmered like a sun dappled pond filled with goldfish who talk in the tongues of men. She also wore weird flesh-colored stockings, which almost ruined the experience.

I was spellbound by the arcane rituals she followed in the ancient "water pouring ceremony" which followed. She decanted the water from my left hand side, using her right hand. There were exactly 25 ice cubes in the glass. A slice of lemon was placed at precisely 3 oclock on the rim of the glass with her left hand. She then retreated two steps, gave a shallow bow, and asked if I was ready to order. I was speechless. I finally said no, and she retreated to the kitchen.

It was then I realized that Hooters waitresses were the spiritual heirs to the Geisha.

I now knew what I had to do.

First I had to find a Hooters waitress and become personally acquainted with her. Then I had to find out if she kept a diary. Then I had to sneak a peek at it long enough to read the entire thing and transcribe relevant sections. And then if there was time left over, I had to give her bodacious boobies a quick squeeze to see if they were ripe.

A daunting task. Luckily I was able to pull off the entire daredevil stunt in one whirlwind weekend. I bumped into a chic with humungo gazangas in the produce section of Whole Foods the very next day and asked her out on a date. At the time I didnt even know she worked at Hooters! Serendipity. (Thank you lucky Gaelic wishing stone!)

Her name was Carmel, and let me tell you, she was as sweet and sticky as her namesake.

We had a dinner date that night at Chilis, where I primed her with enough Daquaries to swamp a lifeboat. She babbled drunkenly that she was a freshman at UPENN, worked at the Cherry Hill Hooters, liked horses, and liked to have fun. I asked her if she enjoyed reading, and she rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, hellooo! I said I like to have fun!"

When we retired to her charming dorm room, I began slyly probing for information on whether she kept a diary, where said diary might be located, and the price of her virginity. She actually leapt up and brought her diary over to me! She was completely shitfaced. She stumbled on her way back to the beanbag chairs, smacked her head on the bottom bunk bed and passed out. As the diary fell from her salsa stained hands and hit the floor, its heart-shaped lock sprung open. Serendipity squared! (Thank you mummified Egyptian monkey paw!)

After lifting her shirt up to make sure she didn't have any abdominal bruises, I left with the diary.

What I found inside was shocking. Reprinted here are excerpts from Carmel's diary that show what love, life, and the elusive quest for happiness is like for these women:

- - -

7/1/06
Tommy iz such a jerk. I hate him sooo much. Sometimes I wish he wuz dead! Sometimes I wish I wuz dead. Sometimes I wish I wuz pregnant with his baby. Sometimes I wish I wuz a bird, and could fly far away. If I was a bird and had his baby it would come out of an egg!

- - -

7/10/06
I heard Sheila talking to Jane at work 2day and she said that she was going to the beach this weekend with Tommy. She was wearing big hoop earrings that make her look like a total whore (cuz she is!), and I grabbed one and ripped it right out of her ear. She screamed and bled all over a five wing flappertizer and I did not give a shit.

Then I went and found Tommy at school, and wuz going to yell at him 2 and maybe kick him in the nutz, but then he turned around and he was crying and I fell in love with him all over again and I luv him soooo much!

- - -

7/14/06
At Hooterz today one of my teacher's (Mr. Mentzl) came in and sat at one of my tables. He is totally old and gross, and he stares at me in class. He said he liked me shirt and then he totally stared at my boobs! Yuck! He asked what wuz good on the menu and I said i don't know I never eat the shit here, it's all fried. But what I really wanted to yell was Stop looking at my Boobs! But I wanted to get a good tip so I told him to try the Hallapeno Poppers they're okay.

Afterwords I went in the back and told Holly what happened because she knows him too because she had him for Biology and she was like OH MY GOD NO WAY! But way, he totally did.

- - -

7/20/06
Tommy walked by in the hall today and grabbed my boob and made a honking sound. I told him to stop, but really I wanted to tell him to keep going. But there were people watching.

- - -

8/1/06
I hope Tommy gets attacked by a big angry dog and it bites his nutz off. And I hope all his dumb friends DIE in a car crash.

Tommy came to the restarant tonite to visit me. He was there with his buddies and they got a booth. He asked if he could get some free chicken fingers and I said well I don't know I'll try. Then Mike (his big dumb friend who's got a Hummer. I hope it explodes in flames and flies of a cliff and he gets burned alive) he asked if he could get a Beaver Burger, and I said I don't think that's on the menu, and they all started laughing at me. And then his other friend (the ugly fat one) asked if he could get some Poontang Poppers, and I said we don't have any of them. They started laughing at me again, and I thought maybe there was ketchup on my shirt, so I said Is there something on my shirt? And they said Yeah a big pair of Sweater Muffins, and I got angry and walked away and I don't know what they were laughing about but I bet they thought they were pretty funny.

I locked myself in the girls room and cried.

I came out and went back to the kitchen to get ice from the walk in freezer to put under my eyes, and Tommy was making out with Sheila on top of the frozen french fries and he totally had his tongue way down her throat! And she iz such a skank! I punched her in the face and he said he loved me but I don't believe him.

I wish I wuz the bird on the Hooter's sign. I think it's an eagle. I wish I wuz a bird and could fly away.
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