THAT GUY, Episode 5

The Sony original web series THAT GUY starring local comedian Kent Haines continues. In the latest episode, That Guy orders takeout.

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MEG & ROB: Fog Of Love

From the minds behind "Dan Henkle, Relationship Expert", "Love Over The Phone" and more comes "Fog Of Love", which was originally shown at the July edition of Bedtime Stories. Sez Meg of Meg & Rob:

We are pleased to present director Errol Morris's little-known short film "Fog of Love." As you might know, Morris is much more famous for creating the documentary Fog of War, which features former US Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara discussing the lessons he learned from the failure of the Vietnam War. What many people do not know, however, is that Mr. Morris only created Fog of War to hide the fact that he, Erroll Morris, actually himself caused the Vietnam War to fail through a combination of voodoo, bad eating habits, and the murder of a butterfly that was about to flap its wings in Africa.

After the Fog of War, Morris's sole desire was to put the war behind him and create a chick flick starring Julia Roberts or, at the very least, Hugh Grant in a Julia-Roberts-style wig. He was unable to find funding for the project, however. Broke, eating poorly, and considering performing voodoo again, Morris instead decided to use discarded footage from the Fog of War to create his opus "Fog of Love." Misunderstood by audiences who expected a chick flick and disdained by critics who were looking for a hard-hitting documentary "Fog of Love" has been mostly forgotten...until now. Enjoy.

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FESTIVALS, A NEW CLUB, A BENEFIT SHOW: Local Comedy News

The third annual Laughtastic Sketch-o-palooza benefiting the Mike Young fund at Jefferson Hospital for Neuroscience will be held on Sunday, August 24th at World Cafe Live. ComedySportz Philadelphia, Rowan & Hastings, Doogie Horner, Steve Gerben and Bad Hair are set to perform.

Shecky Magazine recently reported that the National Lampoon name is opening eight new clubs with one of them being in the Dave & Buster's on Delaware Ave. in Philadelphia. UPDATE: An Open Letter To The Comedy Community

The Del Close Marathon will be held in New York City August 8th-10th and Philadelphia groups The Ninjas, Rare Bird Show, MakeOut Clinic, The Cabal, Men About Town, Illegal Refill, and Industrial.

The next Deep Sleep Comedy Show (54 N. 3rd St.) will be next Monday the 14th. Hosted by Jared Moskowitz, it's free and will include Joe Dougherty, Pat House, Doogie Horner and more.

Performer submissions are now open for the Philly Improv Festival until August 22nd. The fest will take place November 13-15 at the Plays & Players Theatre downtown.

Seen a Philadelphia comedian slip on a banana peel lately? E-mail comicvsaudience AT gmail DOT com with your tips.
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VIDEO: HISTORY'S MYSTERIES: Abe Lincoln

During last night's rowdy American history lesson at Bedtime Stories, your very own Comic Vs. Audience showed a video that we put together.

Written by Aaron Hertzog
Directed by Dave Walk
Starring (in order of appearance):
Kent Haines
Chip Chantry
Pat Barker
Aaron Hertzog
Doogie Horner

And of course, it's not a real video if there isn't a blooper reel!!!!


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MY TOP 5 PRESIDENTS by Gregg Gethard

Things just seem to happen to Gregg Gethard. After telling a few stories at comedy shows in New York City, he created his own monthly show in Philly, BEDTIME STORIES, to tell a few more. Over the past year the show has grown in audience and features some of the best comics in the city. The next installment of Bedtime Stories is TONIGHT, July 9th, 8PM, Shubin Theatre (407 Bainbridge).

History is my favorite academic subject. In college, I took nine history classes in my final two semesters in order to get a double major in Communication and History. Combined, this means that maybe one day I could intern for Ken Burns but mostly it means low-paying and little-rewarding jobs. At one point in time, I signed up to participate in a re-creation of Pickett’s Charge at Gettysburg, only to withdraw when I realized it would make it even harder for me to get laid.

That is why I am incredibly excited for the next Bedtime Stories, where the topic will be American History. The best part about Bedtime Stories, I think, is that it gives all the performers a chance to get really specific regarding that month’s topic. If all goes well this month, I’ll keep doing American history topics and make them narrower and narrower. I think a show completely dedicated to the Kansas-Nebraska Act or the Gadsden Purchase would be pretty great.

As such, I will now list the American presidents I find the most fascinating:

1. Rutherford B. Hayes: He ran for president in 1876. Hayes, an Ohio Republican, campaigned against Democrat Samuel Tilden, who once confessed to a friend that he had never slept with a woman. (I find this fascinating. Not that a closeted homosexual nearly became president, but that a closeted gay man didn’t ever sleep with a woman.) Neither Hayes nor Tilden received enough electoral votes to clinch the presidency. And three states had contested ballots with no clear winner. No one knew what to do, so a backroom deal known as the “Compromise of 1877” was made. Southern electors would cast their votes behind Hayes who, in return, had to agree to pull federal troops out of the South, which led to Jim Crow laws and racial segregation until the 1960’s. But while he pulled out federal troops whom were protecting recently freed slaves, he later inserted federal troops into various American cities to prevent railroad workers from striking, killing more than 70 striking workers as a result. George Bush is a pretty awful president but Rutherford B. Hayes is possibly worse. He won an even more sleazy rigged election. He messed up the lives of African-Americans more than Bush did after Katrina. And Bush’s misuse of federal troops has at least been used to kill Iraqis and not his own citizenry. It’s debatable, but both of them have a strong case as the worst president in American history. America rules.

2. William Henry Harrison: Harrison is known primarily for two things; his inaugural address lasted for well over two hours in freezing cold weather and then 30 days later he died of pneumonia, which he most likely developed while reading a speech for over two hours in freezing cold weather. That kind of serves him right. Can you imagine if either Barack or McCain did that to us this January? Fuck that.

3. David Rice Atchison: President James K. Polk left office. His successor, Zachary Taylor, was supposed to be sworn in on a Sunday. But being a devout Christian, Taylor refused to be sworn in on a Sunday. However, the country still needed a president for the day. Atchison was the president-pro tempore of the Senate, which, via a loophole, allowed him to become president for a few hours. That would be pretty cool, I think. But one question: Why didn’t a foreign country invade us on the day this guy was president? They would have had such an advantage as the commander-in-chief couldn’t really make a decision since in a few hours his term was up. Also, there is a big debate amongst history scholars if Atchison actually was president or not due to various readings of the Constitution. These people are dorks.

4. Warren G. Harding: President during the early part of the 1920’s. Considered in his era to be a premier “DILF,” kind of like the dad from The OC. Had many, many mistresses. One of them, scorned by her love of Warren G. Harding’s deep dicking abilities, blackmailed the Republican Party into paying for a trip around the world and an annual check. Another of his mistresses, Nan Britton, was a teenager who was obsessed with him. When she turned 20, Harding popped her cherry and the two had a hot-and-heavy affair for the next few years. Harding allegedly banged her while the two were in an Oval Office closet, a little less degrading than Monica Lewinsky going down on Bill Clinton and then wearing his remains on her clothes. He also fathered an illegitimate child with her.In addition, his affair with Nan Britton has produced one of the most insane websites of all time, a collection of fan-fic written about their relationship. Also, his administration caused the Teapot Dome Scandal which was also pretty fucked up.

5. Gerald Ford: His birth name was actually Leslie Lynch King Junior. His mom’s first husband was a beater so she ditched him and eventually re-married a man named Gerald Ford. She then completely changed her son’s name to Gerald Ford Junior even though he was over three years old and probably slightly cognizant of what his name was. He didn’t legally change his name to Gerald Ford until he was 23 years old. Seriously, what the fuck? I get shit from certain people for spelling my name "Gregg" when my name is actually "Gregory" with one G. I changed it just because I like "Gregg" better and Gregg Jeffries was my favorite New York Met at the time. Why the hell did the members of his college fraternity, or his teammates on the U of Michigan football team, not beat the shit out of him for changing his name a little late in the game?
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THIS WEEK: PHIT at the Shubin Theatre

It's time again for the Philly Improv Theater's week at the Shubin Theatre (407 Bainbridge St). The week actually kicked off Monday with our show (thanks to the comics and everyone that came out, it went swimmingly!), but the meat of the week is still yet to come. For tickets, visit the Philly Improv Theater's website.

Wednesday, July 9
8 p.m. – Bedtime Stories: From Sea To Shining Sea, A Tribute To American History, $10. Sez the host Gregg Gethard:

On July 4, 1776, a new nation was created. A land where anyone could have a dream. A land where anyone could practice the religion of their choice without fear of oppression. A land where Tila Tequilla would one day have caged members of both genders fighting for her consideration. This nation is called AMERICA.

Set to perform are Jon Goff, The Sixth Borough, Secret Pants, Meg and Rob, Chip Chantry, Jamie Fountaine, Charles Rosen and friends, Chris Morganti and friends, Pete Celonia/Chelsea Vidaurri, special music guests Emily and Micah McGraw and a video by us, Comic Vs. Audience!

10 p.m. – Why Am I Not Famous?!?: A Comedy Talk Show w/ Kent Haines, $5. Kent welcomes guests comedian Doogie Horner and musican Look Alike in the inaugural installment of his new talk show. His plan for the show: "I'll have an opening segment where I win the crowd over. I call it my 'making fans' segment. Usually I'll let the people get to know me a little better, or I'll do a song and dance number. Then I'll interview some guests and ask them to perform their little bits or whatever."

Thursday, July 10
8 p.m. - TROIKA 2008 ROUND THREE Presented by PhillyImprov.com, in cooperation with the Philly Improv Theater, TROIKA pits three groups of three improvisers against each other. The groups choose their own format and the audience determines the winner. The winner of each of the three preliminary rounds goes on to battle in the Grand Championship in August. This month brings three new groups that will vie for the opportunity to join previous winners Auditorium and Velvet Helmet in the finals next month. $10.

10 p.m. - CAGEMATCH: Angry People Building Things vs. TOP SECRET. CAGEMATCH brings more competitive improv by pitting two groups against each other for 25-minute sets that can only use one audience suggestion. The audience decides the winner by secret ballot. Angry People Building Things have been demolishing all challengers for a while now, will they ever be stopped?!? $5.

Friday, July 11
8 p.m. – Cubed with Angry People Building Things, $10. They share hopes. They share dreams. They share fears. They share a common 4 x 5 walled partition. CUBED is workplace-comedy improv relying on YOU, the audience, for ongoing suggestions and participation. You give us our company name. You write a memo or two. You will be an active part of the show, so pull up a cubicle and enjoy! CUBED. Thinking inside the box.

10 p.m. – Dr. Fantastic with Bark Wharf. $10. With an emphasis on speed, parody, and the absurd, Dr. Fantastic abandons cherished improv concepts such as character, truth, and coherence. Be prepared for a wild ride through people and places that can only exist on stage. No doubt you have many questions. But these are not the questions we had agreed upon earlier, so they will not be answered. Bark Wharf is three-man improv from some of the most talented alumni of Haverford (and improv!): Matt Klinman, Ali King, and Jesse Paulsen.

Saturday, July 12
8 p.m. – Dr. Fantastic with Cubed, $10.

10 p.m. – Meg & Rob with Bark Wharf, $10. Local sketch comedy heroes Meg and Rob return to perform of their best stuff before they head off to the Minnesota Fringe Festival.

RELATED:
- Our past Bedtime Stories coverage including video, photos and interviews
- Interview with PHIT's founder Greg Maughan
- The wildly popular Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? tale by Bedtime Stories host Gregg Gethard
- Kent's web series THAT GUY: I, II, III, and IV
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THAT GUY, Episode 4

The Sony original web series THAT GUY starring local comedian Kent Haines continues. In the latest episode, That Guy takes his turn at charades.

Don't forget: Kent's new talk show premieres TOMORROW, Wednesday, July 9th at 10PM at the Shubin Theatre (407 Bainbridge).
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THE COMIC VS. AUDIENCE COMEDY SHOW: Tonight!

Ladies and gentlemen, the day has finally comedy for our own comedy show! Come on out TONIGHT for stand-up comedy by four stand-up comedians. Here, once again, are the details:

The Comic Vs. Audience Comedy Show
Monday, July 7th, 2008
at the Shubin Theatre (407 Bainbridge St.)
8PM
$5 (you can buy tickets here)
with:
Joey Dougherty (young, scrappy upstart)
Josh Bennett (quick & deadly)
Aaron Hertzog (Big Man about town)
Steve Gerben (2007 Philly's Phunniest Person, pretty funny guy)
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HAMBURGERS, PUNK ROCK, A TRAVELING MINISTRY: Local Comedy News

Paul T. of Secret Pants recently talked to Philebrity.com about his website LarryMendteIsNotACriminal.com. And, Secret Pants will be opening for comedian turned country singer Neil Hamburger August 7th at Johnny Brenda's.

Elsewhere, music and comedy collide. We can't believe we slept on it for so long, but the Fuck Yeah Fest is coming to the Starlight Ballroom on July 11th with Matt & Kim, Circle Jerks, Philadelphia's own Paint It Black, punk rock heroes Dillinger Four and stand-up comedians. Details are murky on who at this point, but it appears that Reggie Watts has been performing at some on the dates. Hannibal Buress and Josh Fadem will be performing. Check out the trailer for the tour.

Philadelphia-area improv groups Cubed and Rare Bird Show will be performing in Baltimore Improv Festival next month. Rare Bird Show will also be holding workshops.

The Ministry of Secret Jokes is going on the road. They'll be performing at the Fuel House Coffee Co. in Vineland, New Jersey on August 9th. Host Doogie Horner was also recently interviewed by Uwishunu.com.

Photos from Die, Actor, Die's Dirtiest Sketch in Philadelphia are up courtesy of Vincent Brown.

Improv group Tongue & Groove will be performing at a First Person Arts salon at the Gershman Y (401 South Broad St.) on July 9th. Troupe member Adam Gertler is on the Food Network's The Next Food Network Food Star this season and was recently profiled in the South Philly Review.

Know of something funny happening that doesn't involve lip-syncing on Youtube? E-mail comicvsaudience AT gmail DOT com with your tips.
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AARON HERTZOG: Same Band, Different Fans

Pearl Jam
True Fan: They incorporate so many styles, there's classic rock, punk, post-punk. They are socially and politically relevant. And you can tell they just love to play music, man, without getting caught up in all the corporate BS.

Frat Boy Fan: Dude, just, dude, bro, shut up and put on Black. You know I friggin' rock that song! I sound just like Eddie Vedder, listen bro, listen.

The Shins
Long-Time Fan: This is great pop music. They are almost a throwback to '60s rock. Catchy and melodic, it's fun music but is also really relatable.

Fan Who Saw Garden State: I totally saw Garden State.

Journey
Your Parents: This music speaks to me and my entire generation. It's just about livin' and lovin' baby. Livin' and lovin' in a little place called America.

You: Everybody! Get in here, stand around. Seriously, no, seriously, everybody get in here. You know a party is not a party until...Just a small town girl!

Eminem
Hip Hop Fan: Nobody can mess with his flow, even when he's experimenting he's on another level. He's got crazy interior rhyme schemes and his wordplay and metaphors are sick!

14-Year-Old Girl: Look at him, he's so cute! Look at his eyes, baby blue, baby just like myself.

Miley Cyrus
14-Year-Old Girl: You know she's my age, right? She would, like, totally hang out with us. We should go to her concert and find her, we'll be besties for-ev.

45-Year-Old-Man: Mmmm, yeah Miley, look over that shoulder at me. You naughty girl, you. I bet I came in and you were doing something you shouldn't have been doing. Did I catch you being bad? Do you need a spanking?

Weezer
Old Weezer Fan: Their songs are just so truthful, they speak to me. That's me, in my garage with the stuff that I love just day-dreaming away.

New Weezer Fan: I do not exist.

Aaron Hertzog will be performing tonight at Helium's Philly All-Stars show and at our show next Monday the 7th.

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LITERARY ADVENTURE: The Time Machine, Part VI

SO FAR IN THIS LITERARY ADVENTURE: Doogie built a time machine with the intention of traveling back to 1894 London and watching H.G. Wells write the first page of his science fiction classic, The Time Machine. Instead he ended up in colonial in Philadelphia, where he lost a fight with a pygmy farmer and his battle ogre (who hit Doogie with a bathtub). Doogie woke to find himself a captive in the farmer’s basement, where the farmer raised hobos like cattle and fed them to a race of Molemen™, who traded him gold for human flesh.

The farmer knew about the time machine, but hadn’t discovered it’s true use. The queen of the Molemen™, who was being held ransom by the farmer, was locked in the cage next to Doogie. She gave him a sigul along with instructions to find her father, and revealed a secret passage beneath his cell. Doogie broke through the passage, found the king of the Molemen, and told him that his daughter, the Princess, was indeed alive.

Catch up with past installments: I, II, III, IV, and V.

– – –

The farmer was sitting in his kitchen, I could see him through the windows. The kitchen’s overhead gas lamps flickered brightly and spilled out onto the dark lawn where the Molemen and I crouched in hiding.

The farmer was whittling a stick and sitting in front of an empty plate. My time machine’s key hung around his neck, the lanterns’ flames glinting off its brass.

The farmer hollered and a moment later Fran came lumbering into the room. I crept closer, careful to stay in the shadows, and tried to hear what they were saying.

“What do you mean we’re out of pork?” the farmer screamed. Fran just shrugged. Her big, dumb face elicited unexpected pity in me as she stooped to fit in the room and stoically took his shit. The farmer yelled at her for a couple minutes, then finally said “Alright, well go down and get that furry girl then, we’ll eat her. Make sure you pull off all the hair though.”

The Princess! I stood up and screamed over my shoulder. “Attack!”

Riding giant worms the size of elephants and swinging golden swords, the Molemen broke through the kitchen’s wall. Glass and wood flew everywhere. The farmer scurried under the table. Fran picked up the kitchen icebox and swung it like Thor’s hammer, squashing the Elephant Worms like . . . worms. (I’m sorry, but that’s the best way to describe it.) Fran was quickly overwhelmed and buried beneath a squirming pink mound while the Molemen beat her with rocks.

I was reveling in what I thought was our moment of victory, until the farmer’s eyes met mine, and I could see he wasn’t scared. Two little flames danced in his eyes, and a puckish smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

My heart sank.

“I figured out what your machine does, queer!” The farmer reached into his overalls and pulled out a nasty looking laser. “It travels through time.” He pointed the gun at me, and a green flame shot out of its nozzle.

I dodged left, but too slowly. My right arm and shoulder disintegrated in a burst of green fireworks. It didn’t hurt at all, and I didn’t even realize my arm was missing until a second later, when I tried to catch my fall and fell flat on my face. I rolled on the ground dumbly searching for my former extremity, and barely noticed as the Molemen King leapt over me and rushed towards the farmer. Lifting his sword overhead he screamed “Die foul dirt tiller!”

The farmer didn’t waste time on a witty retort, he just pulled the trigger and blasted a cantaloupe size hole through King Ralph’s chest. My missing arm was immediately put into perspective for me. The King’s sword fell to the ground. The farmer whirled to shoot me, but a giant worm’s tail knocked him to the ground. He swept his ray across the frontline of the Molemen army, and their bodies blew away like dandelions in a strong wind.

I picked up the King’s sword and ran towards the basement. The farmer’s death ray swept after me, disintegrating the floor behind me and chopping great whacks out of everything in its path, Molemen, worms, and all.

I made it to the cellar door and tumbled down the stairs. I could hear the screams of dying Molemen and the sizzle of the farmer’s laser behind me as I rushed towards the Princess’s cage. I saw her huddled in the corner, hairy and disgusting as ever.

“Thank the Great Mole you’ve come to save me! Where’s my father?”

“Stand back!” I yelled, and swung the sword against the lock on her cage. I missed completely and the sword rang dully off the stone wall. “Shit. I’m having trouble wielding this, since I’m not left handed.”

“Use your right hand,” she suggested.

I pointed to the stub where my right arm used to be.

She looked at my stub. An awkward silence descended over the cellar. “Is that a new shirt?” she asked.

“Fool, you’re trapped!” I spun and saw the farmer rushing down the stairs.

I gave my sword to the Princess. “Here, break your lock and run!” I ran into the maze of cages just as the death ray scorched holes in the stone all around me. The farmer shot wildly into the darkness, but couldn’t see me. Was the laser’s beam dimmer than it had been before? I thought it was, perhaps it was running low of energy.

I scurried in the shadows. In cages piled high as the ceiling, the Basement People cowered and stared at me with desperate eyes. From a crack between two cages I looked out and saw the farmer standing very still, listening.

“Heeeeeere piggy piggy piggy! C’mon out! I promise I won’t shoot your pecker off and feed it to my baby. C’mon.” He advanced into the maze of cages, his laser drawn. “That’s a beautiful time machine you have thar. I bet you’re gonna’ take it back in time and have anal sex with Julius Caesar, right? Disgusting. I bet you’re going to lick his pecker and hold his hand and then settle down and adopt a few children from Asia, ain’t ya?”

I had no such scheme in mind.

“And then your parents, Roy and Zoey Bailey, youse gonna’ go and tell them ‘I’m in love with Julius Caesar, and we have sex! And I am NOT a troll, I’m a midget! And I never wanted to be a farmer, and why’d you make me marry that gigantic bitch?!’”

I leapt at the farmer like a panther, and immediately regretted not choosing to leap like a more nimble jungle cat, such as the puma, because he easily parried my blow and tossed me to the floor. I struggled to stand and he planted his wicked sharp knee under my chin. The basement toppled end over end, and when it stopped I looked up into the black nozzle of his death ray.

“I’m gonna’ go back in time and make out with Judas Iscariot,” the farmer said.

“No you’re not.” Princess Amidala stood outside her cage, brandishing her father’s sword.

Before I could stop him, the farmer shot Amidala with his death ray. The green flames licked across her body, enveloping her. I knocked the laser from the farmer’s hand and pushed him as hard as I could with one arm (remember, my other arm was vaporized; a lot of guys would bitch and whine, make a big deal out of it, but not me) into the wall of cages. A multitude of Basement People shot their scabby arms between the bars and held him fast. Terror welled in his eyes.

“Dear sweet lord Jesus! I never meant I was gonna’ swap spit with Judas!” he pleaded.

I wasted no time gloating. I picked up King Ralph’s sword and tossed it to the Basement People. They chopped off the farmer’s arms and legs. Then they broke the locks on their cages, and swarming over the farmer’s screaming torso, devoured him alive.

I rushed to Amidala’s body, which lay smoking on the cellar floor. All the hair had been burned off her body. I could see that underneath the grey fur, she actually was an incredibly beautiful woman. The kind of woman I could love. The kind of woman I would have given my life for. I cradled her sexy, smoking (literally and metaphorically), supple body to my weeping breast, and immediately got a small, sinful erection. How much longer would the Basement People be occupied devouring the farmer’s body, I wondered.

I kissed Amidala deep and hard, and a single tear rolled from her eye and splashed onto her cheek.

Amidala’s eyelids fluttered, then opened. She stared into my eyes. An eternity passed between us. Then she looked down at her body.

“Holy fuck, where’d my fur go?!” Her blood-curdling scream bounced off the cellar walls.

Check back in two weeks for the thrilling conclusion to Doogie's LITERARY ADVENTURE: The Time Machine series. The next installment of Doogie's live show, THE MINISTRY OF SECRET JOKES, is July 30th.
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THAT GUY, Episode 3

The Sony original web series THAT GUY starring local comedian Kent Haines continues. In the latest episode, that guy gets a little too competitive with charades.

Don't forget: Kent's new talk show premieres Wednesday, July 9th at 10PM at the Shubin Theatre (407 Bainbridge).

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